Throughout my feebly short life I had have entirely too much experience with drunk dialing.   I don't know what it is about me that makes the idea of ex-girlfriends, Jack-in-the-Box and old hook-ups so enticing at three o'clock in the morning, but even on nights when I tell myself over and over again not to call anyone, when it comes time to either hit the sack or party on, my hand dives into my pocket, flips open my phone, and dials away.

But it's not only me calling others that has become a problem.  What's happening now is that I'm receiving important phone calls when I'm drunk, and therefore involving myself in something I like to call Alcoholic Answering.  I have since learned to let calls go to voice mail so I can listen and devise a plan before calling them back.  The number of times I have actually followed through with this logic can be counted with my elbow.

Below are eight drunken phone conversations I have had over the years. All of them are true, at least to my best recollection, which I'll be the first to admit is absolutely terrible. 

Don't be like me.

(Calling an ex-girlfriend during a night of drunken nostalgia)

Alex: "So what are you up to these days?"

Jess: "Just hanging out with my husband; still trying to play soccer whenever I-""

Alex: "Nice talking to you!"


(Trying to help a friend get to the bar I was at)

Alex: "I don't know the name of the bar."

Aaron: "Well, describe it to me then."

Alex: "Ok, there's some pool tables, a dance floor, and a bunch of fire on the table."

Aaron: "Oh, you mean the Ballroom; they have those little fire pits and-"

Alex: "I found it! The sign says…Red Door.  We're at the Red Door in Fremont."

Aaron: "Alex, there's no fire pits at the Red Door.

Alex: "I don't suppose fire trucks are a part of the décor?"

Aaron: "I'm staying home."

(Walking back from the bars to find my girlfriend)

Alex: "Where are you?"

Bonnie: "Your house – do you need me to come get you from the bars again?"

Alex: "No I walked back."

Bonnie: "Alex that's like three miles."

Alex: "Three miles ain't got shit on me. I'll fucking kill three miles."

Bonnie: "Alex where are you?"

Alex: "Going to your house to pick you up."

Bonnie: "But I'm at your house."

Alex: "Gimme like thirty seconds I'll be outside."

Bonnie: "No, Alex, I'm at your house. I'm at the annex with the other guys and-"

Alex: "About ten steps I'll be at your door."

Bonnie: "Jesus Christ Alex I'm at YOUR HOUSE. On 19 and 47 just before-"

Alex: "Bonnie they won't let me into your house."

Bonnie: "Oh my fucking God I'm not at my hou-"

Alex: "I'm going to try the back entrance. Wish me luck babe!"

(Calling a girl I wanted to come over)

Alex: "Hi Casey! Remember me?!"

Casey: "Huh?"

Alex: "It's me, Alex. The guitar guy. Remember? I even knew that one Sense Field song you claimed no one had heard of."

Casey: "Yeah…"

Alex: "Oh come on! We hung out for like two hours!"

Casey: "What did you say your name was again?"

Alex: "Fuck this; I'm calling Chelsea."

Casey: "Relax Alex, I'm kidding.  We've been hooking up for almost a month now you dork.  And wait, who the fuck is Chelsea?  Are you fucking playing me?"

(Long silence)

Alex: "I really need a girlfriend."

(Calling my girlfriend from South Padre Island)

Alex: "I think I'm lost."

Bonnie: "How are you lost?"

Alex: "Well, me and Chris got kicked out of the club and then snuck back in and hid under the stage and then got caught and ran and jumped over the fence and fell through a tree and ran and ran and ran and now I don't know where I am.

Bonnie: "Where's Chris?"

Alex: "Probably in jail."

Bonnie: "Oh my God!"
Alex: "Nah it's cool he was in jail last week too; he'll be fine."

Bonnie: "Alex you need to find him!"

Alex: "I think I'm being chased."

Bonnie: "By who? Alex you need to call the police!"

Alex: "Meh. They don't look too threatening. I should probably put down the phone though so I can run faster.  Who knew Spring Break would be such a good workout?!"

(Calling my roommate from…somewhere)

Mikey: "What?"

Alex: "Want me to pick you up anything from Burgerville?"
Mikey: "The fuck are you talking about?"

Alex: "We're going through the drive-through at Burgerville; you want a shake or something?"

Mikey: "The closest Burgerville to Seattle is almost 200 miles away."

Alex: "I see…"

Mikey: "Dude, who are you with?"

(long pause)

Alex: "I'm gonna have to call you back."

(Calling Teebs while watching football the morning after he got arrested)

Teebs' Phone: "You've reached Teebs' phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "Teebs!  You're in fucking jail, man!  That sucks!"

TheOrangutan: "We're gonna come break you out, so listen up.

Alex: "Fuck jail!"

TheOrangutan:  "I have a Jeep, you have a truck.  Somehow I'm sure we can make that work."

Alex: "Dude, I think he's like ten stories up."

TheOrangutan: "Fuck. Well, how high can you jump?"


Teebs' Phone: "You've reached Teebs' phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "I can't believe you're actually in jail Teebs.  I mean, come on, bro."

TheOrangutan:  "New plan; we're gonna gather everyone from the pledge class and bum rush the front desk."

Alex: "After the game though."

TheOrangutan:  "Right."

Alex: "We should give him updates so he feels more connected."

TheOrangutan:  "Good idea."

Alex: "So, we just kicked off to them, and they ran it about fifteen yards until-"


Teebs' Phone: "You've reached Teebs' phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "Teebs, bro, you really just need to get out of jail."

TheOrangutan: "Final plan: push the skinny button until you can squeeze out, then float out the window like a piece of paper."

Alex: "Just don't let some hobo make you into a sign."
TheOrangutan: "Unless it's one of those funny ones about ninjas."

Alex: "Right.  You hear that Teebs?  Only if it has ninjas."


(Calling jack-in-the-Box for the new delivery service they apparently started offering)

Alex: "Yeah, can I get three cheese burgers, a diet coke, and two orders of-"

Alex's Mom: "Alex?"
Alex: "Shhh, not done yet.  And two orders of fries.  What do you want, Doug?"

Doug: "Hi Jack-in-the-Box. I'll have four hamburgers and a vanilla shake. And can I have a few fries to dip in the shake? That'd be super sweet."

Alex's Mom: "Alex, I' don't know what you think you're-"

Alex:  "Oh!  Can I change my three cheeseburgers to FOUR cheeseburgers? Please please please please please?"

(long silence)

Alex's Mom: "Sure."

Alex and Doug: "YAY!!"

(sound of high-fiving)