The best 5 dollars you can spend. Because you won't.

I was in the hospital and I heard from one of the rooms, "Don't worry everyone, I'm gonna beat this thing." Which I thought was a really positive thing to say, until I realized it came from the maternity ward.
-Conor McKeon
How do people call Batman for help during the day? If I lived in Gotham, I'd just rob banks after lunch.
-Dom Tetro
MIT Stupid Question Hall Of Fame
Professor: No compact Hausdorff space and no complete metric space is both countable and perfect.
Euler: Wait, could this be used to show their are no odd perfect numbers?
-Matt Sartwell
Spiritual Guide of the Day
Live life as a dog would. If you cant eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.
-Carlos SantaMaria
One major advantage to being in a coma? Free beard.
-Ed Berkley
The Boys and Girls Club would be much creepier if it was a fan club. Or a weapon.
-Patrick Cassels
Orphans don't have it so bad; they have it really bad.
-Streeter Seidell
Could whoever is giving homeless people markers please stop? Their signs are really bumming me out.
-Jeff Rubin
The Breakup
My ex-girlfriend always had a soft spot for my roommate. Unfortunately it was her vagina.
-Tom Sunnergren