Everywhere you go, you are hated by someone. Every time you walk into an empty store you force the employee to postpone his parking lot bong session, and he hates you for it. Since I work in a restaurant, I feel I need to outline the reasons we hate you and everything you stand for.

We hate you because…

1. you come in 5 minutes before closing
This one I have to get off my chest right away. I know everyone gets weird cravings at 10:30 at night, but that's what 24 hour diners are for. If you have ever walked into a restaurant and thought, "Thank God we made it in before it closed", everyone, and I do mean everyone, in that restaurant hates you more Bush hates the Constitution. What you don't understand is that people that work in the kitchen have lives and families too and would like to see them every once in a while. When you come in at 10:55, that means everyone has to stay for at least an extra 45 minutes, which sucks, because the only thing we hate more than you is the restaurant we work for. If you ever do come in late and want us to bring our hate to a new level, then complain about the service and food when you get seated.

2. you assume everyone working knows how to take your order
Just like most places, a restaurant is split up into several different jobs. The hosts take you to your seat, the server takes your order and brings shit out, and the bus boys clean the table. The reason we do this is so that everyone doesn't have to do everything at once. But you don't understand that. You see someone who looks miserable, and assuming he or she works there by the "I hate my life" look on their face, you raise your hand and motion us over to your table. "Can we get some more bread and water here?" No, you can't. What you can do is sit and wait patiently for the person that is paid to give a rat's ass about what you want to come back to your table. I'm too busy to give any type of shit about you, so fuck off.

3. you think 10% is a good tip
As you read this point, I bet you thought "but tips aren't mandatory. They're extra." If you are thinking that right now, then replace that thought with a bullet. Repeatedly, if you can. The reason we even get tips is because we wait on you hand and foot for an hour and want something extra. If you don't want to tip, then go to McDonalds or make your own fucking meal. Think about it. You sit on your ass the whole time and eat. You don't cook the food, fill the drinks, bring the food, brew the coffee, or clean the table. Well, we do all that, in case you didn't know, and we do it for 4 or 5 other tables as well as yours. If you ever tip $5 on a $100 check, it's like you just told the server that she sucks at life right before you spit on her dead grandmother's grave, and that is unforgivable.


4. you always order water

This one is a minor grievance. We understand that people sometimes just want water, and that's cool. But if you're planning on water, don't force the server to recite every beer on tap, every kind of vodka, and every other drink you may want. Here is a standard conversation model that makes a server's head explode inside.
server: and that's every drink in the restaurant, what can I get you?
you: uh, that all sounds so good, but I'll just have a water, but with lemon.
server (after he leaves the table): Hey man, check it out, I just pissed in this girl's water.
Yeah, we hate you that much.

5. you bring your kids so you won't have to clean up after them yourself
Your kids are the scum of the earth and we hate them. They scream, they run around, they make a mess, and they don't even eat expensive food. If your kid starts to cry, you have 10 seconds to either shut them up or put them outside before everyone in the restaurant grabs ahold of their steak knife and starts heading in your direction. And what is it about a restaurant that makes you think that your kid isn't making a mess? There is no way you let your screaming, shitting spawn of Satan (you) make that much of a mess at your house, so why do you let them do that here? We practically have to replace the table and everything within 10 feet of it when you bring your baby. So get a babysitter.

6. you assume this job is easy
If you're a middle-aged woman and have never worked a day in your life, the whole restaurant hates you. Just because we are getting paid for putting up with a little of your shit doesn't mean you should open the fucking floodgates. For some reason you got it into your head that you are the only table we have to tend to and that we have so much free time that we can get you water every 30 seconds. Let me pass on a little secret to you: we hate our job because of you, and that is why we get tips. Think about it, at the end of the meal, you are expected to throw some extra money at your server. Why do you think that is? It's because you suck and the only thing that can make us put up with your company for more that 2 minutes without blowing our brains out. This job is hard…very hard, so shut your trap and wait patiently for your food.

7. you're an asshole/bitch
If you have ever walked into a restaurant expecting to get seated right away and throw a fit when the wait is 5 minutes, you are hated. 90% of everyone that goes to restaurants regularly will eventually get too comfortable and assume everyone likes them. That is not the case, and often it works in the opposite way. If you go to a restaurant and never come back, you just did everyone there a favor, because they never want to see you again.

8. you think you own the table and can stay as long as you want
Here is the rule we have thought up in our collective head: when you're done cramming calories into your bottomless pit, leave. It is as simple as that. The table is there so that you don't have to hold the food in your lap while you eat, not so you can hold a business meeting for 4 hours. I don't care if the office is too hectic or that you're having a good conversation, no one does. If you don't leave, then the bus boys can't clean, the hosts can't seat, and the next asshole can't sit, eat, and toss a few bucks our way. If you over-stay your welcome, you may notice random employees staring and pointing at your table. Be careful about that free round of soup, it may be tainted.

9. you complain about things that are out of our control
About 95% of all that goes wrong in the restaurant isn't our fault at all. So don't complain about how long you waited because it's you're fault that you're too lazy to just cook at home. In the time it took you to drive here, wait in line for an hour, sit down, wait for the food, eat, and leave, you could have cooked, eaten, watched TV, taken a nap, and eaten again. Most of what goes wrong is your fault. No, you didn't order the shrimp dish, you ordered the squid. I don't care if you didn't know what calamari is, how is that my fault? It's your fault your dish is wrong, it's your fault that we have to be working, and it's your fault I think about suicide every night.

10. you are there and we need something to hate
When it comes down to it, we hate you because we hate ourselves. We hate ourselves because we have stranded ourselves in the middle of society and have to make some money to get out. Not everyone can have a stripper's build, so we have to whore ourselves out in different ways to make ends meet. If we couldn't hate you, then we would just swallow a handful of sleeping pills we found in the dumpster behind the pharmacy because we hate what we have gotten ourselves into.