We can't go two sentences without making a. Joke.

If pandas know Kung Fu, then how are they endangered?
-Dom Tetro
Am I the only one who thinks NASCAR would be a lot more fun if after the 250th lap they have to start turning right?
-Richard Conran
Darfur's poverty level is at an all-time high. Why not send some of your clothes to those less fortunate? Surely they'll wash them for you at a reasonable price.
-Patrick Cassels

Pick-up Lines That Don't Work Like They Used To
- Are you smuggling sandbags in your skirt or do you just have the perfect hip structure to bear my children?
- You smell like sh*t.
- Don't worry babe, I can protect you from dragons.
-Tyler Reiriz
Drunk Math Geek
"Man I'm so hammered, I'm not even rating girls on a base 10 system anymore! It's all binary, baby."
-Kevin Slane
Worm 1: Feel that? Its raining.Worm 2: Wanna go out and die on the sidewalk?
Worm 1
: God yeah.
-Jay Walker
More-Specific Snack Food Insults Beyond "Oreo" and "Twinkie"
Chicken nugget: short coward
Mixed nuts: multiracial lunatics
Ritz cracker: preppy white guy
Beef jerky: mean-spirited gym rat
-Hallie Cantor
I'm concerned about the environment and rising energy costs, so I'm making a serious effort to feel guiltier about my air conditioners.
-Jeff Rubin
I'd masturbate five times in one day, but I don't want to be a sore loser.
-Dan Gurewitch