Speaker: I'd like to welcome everyone to the Legends of the Hidden Temple 15 year reunion. It has been 15 years since our illustrious show first began. It's been a long time, fellas, but I'm glad to see you're all healthy and well. Let's start things off with a little reintroduction. Carl, would you update us on what you've been doing?
Carl: Puts an arm around his wife Well, I'm glad to announce that I'm happily married to my wife Patricia and she just gave birth to our second baby girl in May.
everyone claps and exchanges genuinely happy looks
Speaker: Congratulations, Carl! I can't wait to see photos of your new baby, and I'm very glad to see you brought your oldest daughter Rebecca.
Everyone: Hi, Rebecca!
Speaker: Andy, why don't you continue? What have you been up to since 1995?
Andy: Well, I've been working hard at the job. I was recently promoted to deputy chief of the Pearview County Mall. Soon, I hope to be made regional chief. I gotta tell ya, guys, it may just be mall security but I've never had such a rewarding job. Except of course for those two wonderful years I spent on site with all of you. He grins sheepishly and the two men sitting next to him stand a give him brotherly hugs.
Speaker: Ed, how about you?
Ed: Well, I had some trouble initially converting back to civilian life, but I finally found a job. I'm a bouncer at a bar in the city, and it's awesome! I'm like P. Swayze in RoadHouse!
Carl: Badass, man! Congrats!
They all continue to go around the circle telling their success stories about their lives after the show
Speaker: Well, now that we're all reacquainted, feel free to mingle amongst yourselves. The buffet will start in about 25 minutes. It's been great seeing all of you again.
A man, obviously drunk, stumbles into the convention center
Speaker: Under his breath Shit how did he find out about this.
Drunk: Hey, hey, hey, mothafuckas! You thought you wouldn't tell me about this little party, but Olmec always knows where you are.
Speaker: You think you're Olmec, now? Fuck, Pete, you're not Olmec! He's a giant stone figurehead!
Pete/Drunk: snaps I know I'm not Olmec! Olmec only told me where you were!
Pete: Aren't you going to ask me what I've been doing with my life?
Speaker: How did you
Pete: I'm sneaky, bitch! I'm a mo'fuckin' temple guard!
Speaker: Touché. OK, Pete, what have you been doing with your life since .uh you left the show?
Pete: Well, I was acquitted, if you must know. Thank God for those matching uniforms, eh, Bob? The dumb skank couldn't say 100% that it was me who attacked her!
Speaker: Oh, God, you sicken me.
Carl: He was always so gung ho about grabbing the children
Pete: I mean, I defended the Mask of Shaka Zulu, the Mush Pot Hat of Johnny Appleseed, and the Smashed Printing Plate of Frederick Douglass from the dirty, disgusting clutches of preteen boys and the elegant, seductive fingers of preteen girls, but I tell ya, it wasn't nearly as hard as protecting myself from the monotonous rants of Judge Wilhelm! He just wouldn't stop yammering about how I was a morally deviant human being. Blah, blah, blah.
Andy: You're like the Devil, only worse. Who knows how many women you got to before the show caught on. You must've been backstage for 15 minutes with each one after you captured them during their quest.
Pete: Please, Andy, show me some respect; they were girls, not women. And I don't know why you're so upset about this. Let's just say, when those kids were jumping around all happy as the end credits rolled, it wasn't just because they won a week at Space Camp.
Carl's wife whimpers from her hiding place behind her husband. Gary turns and notices Carl's daughter for the first time
Pete: Gary! I didn't know you had a daughter. My, look at those shoulders. So sinewy, so taut. I bet she would've put that silver monkey together in record time.
Everyone laughs despite themselves
Andy: Please, we all know no one ever won. 3 minutes to get through 12 rooms? That's like trying to not be attracted to Kirk Fogg's smile.
Gary: Whatever, man. That's not important. What is important is little Rebecca here.
Pete: For God sakes, man! She's 9!
Gary: Whatevs, she's a tease. Addressing Rebecca What was your favorite team on the show, sweetie?
Rebecca: Whimpering The r-r-red j-j-jaguars.
Pete: Weird I would have pegged you for a red FOX kind of girl. Get it?
Everyone: BOOOOOOOO! Boo this man!
Pete: Aww, fuck you guys.
Speaker: Aww, we love you man. Once a Temple Guard, always a Temple Guard.
Special thanks to rjlicursi, even though his name ends in a vowel, which means he's a dumb Italian.