Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
July 10, 2008
Steve, try on these Bugle Boy pants I bought you.
The cuffs are stretchy so you don't tear them when you play.
I pooped in them already.
Fellas, the Big Dog is in da house! See, it says so on my shirt.
We all have Big Dogs on our shirts. Mine is dressed like Darth Vader, but it says Bark Vader, 'cause he's a dog.
Lucas, no one cares about your gay Darth Vader shirt.
What does gay mean?
I don't know, Luc, probably has something to do with your mushroom cut.
What, what, what?
Will you take me to Kohl's to buy these pants called
's? They're only sixty dollars and you get twice as much fabric as normal jeans.
Sixty dollars? What's wrong with the Lee Pipes I bought you?
Think about the name, Mom. Pipes are for plumbers and Great-Grandpa Lou who has emphysema from them. Besides, Pipes are only forty dollars instead of sixty, so the other kids might think I'm gay.
You don't know what gay means, do you?
Steve, why did you buy a shirt with Psyduck on it?
Luc, you're such an idiot. Don't you pay attention in class? It's irony, duh.
What's ironic about it?
It's like rain on your wedding day. A free ride when you've already paid.
No, that's Alanis Morissette.
Is the answer "gay"?
Are you cutting up Abercrombie bags and using them as book covers?
Yup. It's all part of the lifestylethat, and black and white photos. Seriously, these clothes make me feel empowered and wealthy, like I could cleat a homeless kid in the throat with no consequence. I might even take up lacrosse.
No it's not. Want my extra puka shells to make a necklace?
Whatever, you're gay.
Wow, Luc, check out all these great deals I found at the outlet mall. 40% off chinos at Banana Republic, half-off graphic tees at Guess, and 30% off leather vests at Christopher's Sweaty Men in Chaps Emporium.
You still don't know what gay means, do you?
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.