Mom: Steve, try on these Bugle Boy pants I bought you.

Me: OK.

Mom: The cuffs are stretchy so you don't tear them when you play.

Me: I pooped in them already.


Me: Fellas, the Big Dog is in da house! See, it says so on my shirt.

Lucas: We all have Big Dogs on our shirts. Mine is dressed like Darth Vader, but it says Bark Vader, 'cause he's a dog.

Me: Lucas, no one cares about your gay Darth Vader shirt.

Lucas: What does gay mean?

Me: I don't know, Luc, probably has something to do with your mushroom cut.



Mom: What, what, what?

Me: Will you take me to Kohl's to buy these pants called JNCO's? They're only sixty dollars and you get twice as much fabric as normal jeans.

Mom: Sixty dollars? What's wrong with the Lee Pipes I bought you?

Me: Think about the name, Mom. Pipes are for plumbers and Great-Grandpa Lou who has emphysema from them. Besides, Pipes are only forty dollars instead of sixty, so the other kids might think I'm gay.

Mom: You don't know what gay means, do you?

Me: Poor?


Lucas: Steve, why did you buy a shirt with Psyduck on it?
Me: Luc, you're such an idiot. Don't you pay attention in class? It's irony, duh.

Lucas: What's ironic about it?

Me: It's like rain on your wedding day. A free ride when you've already paid.

Lucas: No, that's Alanis Morissette.

Me: Is the answer "gay"?

Lucas: Nope.


Big Brother: Are you cutting up Abercrombie bags and using them as book covers?

Me: Yup. It's all part of the lifestyle—that, and black and white photos. Seriously, these clothes make me feel empowered and wealthy, like I could cleat a homeless kid in the throat with no consequence. I might even take up lacrosse.

Big Brother: That's stupid.

Me: No it's not. Want my extra puka shells to make a necklace?

Big Brother: Absolutely not.

Me: Whatever, you're gay.


Me: Wow, Luc, check out all these great deals I found at the outlet mall. 40% off chinos at Banana Republic, half-off graphic tees at Guess, and 30% off leather vests at Christopher's Sweaty Men in Chaps Emporium.

Lucas: You still don't know what gay means, do you?