Dear Mr. Thomas "Tommy" Wilder,

I have received reports indicating that you have violated at least seven summer housing policies. Your alleged behavior infringes upon the Summer Housing Code of Conduct (2008 ed.), which prohibits:

   "4. Sloth, including (but not limited to) the failure to maintain adequate hygiene, wash one's own garments, and/or wake up before 1:00 pm. Neglecting to do dishes, mow the lawn, take out the garbage, and/or other tasks that help us to function as a happy family with a cleaner, lovelier home than the McFaddens."

   "7. Quarreling, which includes all instances of purposely directing verbal, physical, or emotional detriment towards your brother and sister. The stealing of remotes, the community computer, and/or the last bowl of Reeses Puffs is strictly prohibited."

   "253. The ingestion of any foreign substance (tobacco, alcohol, and so forth) is forbidden both inside and outside of the home. Furthermore, it's bad for your health. Just look at Uncle Steve. You don't want to turn out like him, do you?"

   "253a. We mean it. As long as you're living under our roof, you'll live by our rules. And that's final."

   "320. Unemployment. One must actively pursue job opportunities, and an occupation should be secured no later than two weeks after the first day of residence. In addition, when attending a job interview, one should wear the nice slacks that your father and I bought you, and always say please and thank you, and be sure to make good eye contact."

   "851. Get a haircut for Christ's sake." -Dad

   "854. Remember, your grandmother's birthday is July 5th. Make sure to give her a call, she really enjoys hearing about you. We're sending her a card as a family which you are also required to sign."

   "901. The curfew guidelines are as follows. On the days of Monday through Thursday, one is permitted to stay out as late as 11:59 pm. On the days of Friday and Saturday, curfew is extended to 12:59 am. These hours are dependent upon our knowledge of one's anticipated location, as well as the friends who will be present (first and last names). If one wishes to extend the curfew hours, a formal request must be made prior to 9:00 pm, because I will be asleep thereafter."

In light of these violations, the following sanctions have been served, effective immediately:

1. No video games for a week.

2. Curfew has been temporarily amended to 10:00 pm on all days.

3. Send your grandmother a handwritten letter explaining why you're sorry.

4. Get a goddamn haircut you dirtbag. -Dad

5. Tell your brother and sister you're sorry.

6. Mow the lawn.

7. I'll talk to my boss and see if we can hire you as a temp for the summer. She's usually good about those sorts of things.

If you wish to appeal, you're out of luck. Our word is final. We missed you so much while you were at college and we're so glad you're home.