Tiffany: I think Veronica's a huge bitch.
Jessica: You just need to give her a chance! Then you'll see she's actually a really good person!
Emily: I am dissatisfied with the amount of mayonnaise on my sandwich.
(Thought Police burst into the room, seize Emily and drag her away)


Piers: And what is your talent?
Contestant: I can make a peanut butter sandwich…with my mind.
David: You win. I can barely make one with my hands. That peanut butter's a bitch to spread.



Ty: And for little Jake here, who was born without bones, I've made you a special bedroom entirely out of trampolines!
Jake: But I have no bones—
Ty: TRAMPOLINES, YOU PUSSY!!!!


Bill: And the winner is…the comic who was the funniest!


John: You know, when I signed up for this show, I was kinda expecting to be paired up with another woman…
Eric: Well, Tim and I were married in Massachusetts, and we are legal spouses.
John: Right…
Eric:
John: I'm going to go drink a lot.
Eric: I'll be in bed, sweetie.