Has my father been sent to the cornfield? 'Cause this is a dream come true!
I figured I had failed my company's drug test because I put "C" for every answer. Turns it they just wanted a urine sample. I was really high that day.
Rhetorical AnswerQ: What disease would you just kill yourself if you had??
The grass is always greener when you are not color blind.
Live-Blogging A Comedy Show10:31 LOL
Who was the second person to say history repeats itself?
Open-Minded Film Critic"I'm not trying to say Dumb and Dumber is a better movie than Schindler's List, but it is a better comedy."
Punctuation Changes EverythingI hate sex. And the city.
Women Are A Lot Like CatsNo matter how much raw fish you give them, they'll still think you're weird and ignore you.
2 Ways to Piss Off Coffee Shop Baristas1. Know nothing about coffee
2. Know everything about coffee
I Got Fired From My Job.Apparently "Casual Friday" doesn't mean you get to throw the word "fag" around.
Snack-Time Choices From Increasingly Lazy Fathers-"Peanut butter and jelly?"
-"Peanut butter or jelly?"
-"Peanut, butter, or jelly?"
-"Pea, nut, butter, or jelly? Keep in mind we're out of jelly."
The worst kind of surprise party is an intervention.