Has my father been sent to the cornfield? 'Cause this is a dream come true!

I figured I had failed my company's drug test because I put "C" for every answer. Turns it they just wanted a urine sample. I was really high that day.
-Conor McKeon
Rhetorical Answer
Q: What disease would you just kill yourself if you had??
A: Depression.
-Amir Blumenfeld
The grass is always greener when you are not color blind.
-Rich MacKenzie
Live-Blogging A Comedy Show
10:31 – LOL
10:32 – LOL
10:34 – LOL
10:35 – ROFL
10:36 – GTG
-Streeter Seidell

Who was the second person to say history repeats itself?
-Matt Sbar
Open-Minded Film Critic
"I'm not trying to say Dumb and Dumber is a better movie than Schindler's List, but it is a better comedy."
-Kevin Corrigan
Punctuation Changes Everything
I hate sex. And the city.
-Patrick Ewing
Women Are A Lot Like Cats
No matter how much raw fish you give them, they'll still think you're weird and ignore you.
-Caldwell Tanner

2 Ways to Piss Off Coffee Shop Baristas
1. Know nothing about coffee
2. Know everything about coffee
Mike South

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I Got Fired From My Job.
Apparently "Casual Friday" doesn't mean you get to throw the word "fag" around.
-Adam Newman

Snack-Time Choices From Increasingly Lazy Fathers
-"Peanut butter and jelly?"
-"Peanut butter or jelly?"
-"Peanut, butter, or jelly?"
-"Pea, nut, butter, or jelly? Keep in mind we're out of jelly."
-Patrick Cassels
The worst kind of surprise party is an intervention.
-Tom Sunnergren