Welcome back, true believers. I've decided to pull myself out of the crushing sense of responsibility and boredom that is graduating from college, and do something to further stave off the inevitable crushing cubicle of despair that is the adult world. So, I've decided to get this column up and running. For this second installment, I sit down with my good friend, fellow comic book enthusiast, and up-and-coming mass murderer, Adam Dello Buono. (New to the series? Check out the first issue here.) This time, Gay Wolverine shows up, along with movie execs admitting they made a mistake and some of the most shameful powers to ever get gamma-rayed for.
Sean: Two words: Iron-nipples
Adam: Hey man, the ladies love 'em. I think that's where male disdain for them stemmed from.
Adam: Could be. Rock hard nipples all the time, can cut through glass, etc. If that doesn't get you hot I don't know what does.
Sean: My nipples cut through ass.
Adam: Trust me, I know.
Sean: Before we get too personal for the Grown-Men-In-Tights Column, lets veer back to the movies. I'm really glad to see Hollywood bigwigs willing to admit they screwed up an awesome story and take a redo, like with Hulk.
Adam: Hey when Marvel makes the movies themselves, everyone wins.
Sean: Indeed. Just shows that if you give the fans what they want, it will pay off handsomely. DC is also hitting gold with their movies right now. Well, 50% of the time. Which is better than 0% of the time.
Adam: It's twice as good as 0%, I'd say.
Sean: Actually, that's not true. Twice as good as 25%, maybe.
Adam: I think you should check your math. But Dark Knight is nothing but gleaming hope.
Sean: Oh my god, yes.
Adam: I'm not even sure if it's possible for it to be anything but stellar.
Sean: I hear the Oscar Committee already gave Heath Ledger every Oscar next year. For the trailer.
Adam: This is the first summer I can think of where every comic book movie that was released so far has surpassed my expectations. Even Hellboy II looks good.
Sean: We have yet to see how Hellboy II turns out, though I am very excited for it.
[Note: When this article was written, Hellboy II: The Golden Army had not yet been released. For a full review, click here.]
Adam: And that's the dumbest idea ever.
Sean: What's dumb about demons fighting demons? That's never turned out poorly before.
Adam: A demon from hell that was summoned by the Nazis and now fights ghost crime in America? I don't know man, I have limits.
Sean: I know I stand alone here, but Hellboy was one of my personal favorite superhero movies.
Adam: Yeah you do stand alone.
Sean: Your mom stands alone.
PANEL TWO: Wolverine's got an Adamantium-laced skeleton, accelerated healing factor, and claws the size of his forearm. Apparently, the man also has a teleportation machine and the ability to slow time, because he's currently splitting his responsibilities between three superhero teams: X-Force, X-Men, and the New Avengers, and is simultaneously hosting two solo titles. What's more, the X-Men have recently moved their base of operations to San Francisco, which means Wolverine is now cruising all about the globe, kicking it in NYC, and looking just goddamn fabulous.
Adam: HOW IS HE DOING ALL OF THIS? Don't say clones, I know you want to.
Sean: The same way everyone in comics is the same age they were twenty years ago.
Adam: The difference is that I enjoy being blissfully ignorant about that.
Sean: Indeed. But it's hard to ignore it when Wolverine is in the Savage Land, San Fran, space, and Japan all within a week.
Adam: He must have a lot of frequent flier miles.
Sean: Wolverine doesn't have frequent flier miles. He has frequent killer miles.
Adam: Slam dunk.
Sean: I know, right?
Adam: It must be difficult for the X-Men to conduct business in San Fransisco when everyone is dressed as goofily as they are.
Sean: Actually, I would find it nice to be able to walk down a city street in blue and yellow spandex and not be the weirdest looking person within a 5 mile radius.
Sean: Do you think he ever mixes up his appointments?
Adam: Oh he must. You can't spread yourself that thin. Time zones and stuff, and with the gas prices these days?
Sean: Rushes into a fight five minutes late ready to fight Magneto with the X-Men, but finds out he's fighting intelligent dinosaur mutants in the Savage Land. Luckily, his game plan is the same either way: f*cking kill.
Adam: Yeah, but it's still embarrassing. His healing factor can't do a thing about that.
Sean: Yeah. Especially since he was wearing his expensive anti-magnetism suit. That's like candy to dinosaurs.
Adam: I mean, the dry cleaning alone. Plus his solo titles- he has a son for God's sake, who looks as old as he does. How does he have time for procreation?
Sean: Let alone child-support payments, little league games, and alternate weekends. Does he even have a mailing address?
Adam: This is making my head hurt. Skrulls?
Sean: Let's not get into the Skrulls just now.
Adam: I'm just saying.
Sean: I can only wrap my head around so much at once.
PANEL THREE: Flying. Superstrength. Telepathy. These are awesome powers and abilities for which I would voluntarily bombard myself with radiation in the off chance I'll attain them, instead of shriveling my limbs and crying green acid tears. However, for every cool Wonder Twin, there is a crappy Wonder Twin. For every Punisher, there is a Stilt Man.
Sean: Seriously. //en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stilt-Man
Adam: Stilt Man is so gay.
Sean: His biggest weakness is cars.
Adam: Also low door frames. I think I remember that he tried to become a good guy but then the Punisher shot him with a rocket launcher.
Sean: I love the Punisher.
Adam: Ant Man can talk to ants. Pretty pointless, unless you want to ruin a picnic.
Sean: Or find a needle in a haystack?
Adam: He would be a good person to call upon for that. But then you really need to rethink your life when you are being called upon to find that.
Sean: There's a guy called Black Racer. His thing is he cruises around the Universe, instantly killing anyone he touches. Also, he's on cosmic skiis. Seriously. And he's black. He's basically DC's answer to the Silver Surfer.
Sean: Cosmic Poles for his Cosmic Rennaults. He's one of the personifications of Death in the DC Universe.
Adam: They try so hard to do cool things. Just stick with Batman and shut up. What about all those characters that use awful animals, like The Armadillo and Squirrel Girl?
Sean: There's the Kangaroo.
Adam: I was about to say that one, too. I am so glad I wasnt around in the 70's.
Sean: He fights Spider-Man once and his suit malfunctions and and kicks his ass.
Adam: I would have loved to be in the brain storming room when they came up with that one.
Sean: There's the whole pantheon of the Legion of Superheroes, friends of Superboy from the 60s. Two of their members are Matter Eater Lad and Bouncing Boy. Guess what their powers are.
Adam: I don't know.
Adam: There is an X-Man named Maggot, whose power is that his intestines are actually maggots and they eat things.
Sean: Who's the X-Person who basically rips spikes out of her body and throws them? Marrow?
Adam: No kidding. Everything stays inside my body, thank you very much.
Sean: Nobody wants to say it, but everyone's thinking it: Daredevil. C'mon, a blind superhero?
Adam: No way! I will defend Matt Murdock until the day I die.
Sean: Yeah, but-
Adam: He has sonar.
Adam: So f*ck you.
Sean: They went somewhere cool with it, very cool, but on the surface that's a pretty dumb superpower. "I'm blind. So I'm going to fight ruthless murderers!"
Adam: All his other senses are enhanced. Can you imagine how good cheeseburgers must be to him?
Sean: Oh, wow.
Adam: I'd take that power.
Sean: Yeah, I'm sold.
Adam: He can hear really well, too.
Sean: I remember hearing of an X-Men villain that could control wood with his mind. Only wood.
Adam: Expert carpenter.
Sean: So was Jesus, but he had waaaaay cooler superpowers.
Adam: Oh hell yeah, Jesus would kick his ass. Turn whatever wood that was thrown at him into some kind of chair, then damn the villain to eternal suffering.
Sean: That pretty much takes the cake.
Adam: Game over.
Sean: QUICK, Superman versus Jesus, who wins?
Go read a comic.