Your mom and I are getting a divorce. We sincerely hoped it wouldn't come to this, but here we are. Now, your mom and I have read some disturbing stories about children having unresolved issues from their parents' divorce, which can get them into all sorts of trouble later in life. So we figured we should talk this through with each of you. The most important message to get across, of course, is that this divorce is entirely your fault.

There are several compelling reasons for this. And since the movers don't show for another hour, we have plenty of time to go into all of them.

The strains all started when you were both young, and mostly have to do with general cleanliness. It's as if you guys couldn't even take care of yourselves for the first few years. Worst of all, you guys just seemed to keep springing leaks left and right! Jimmy, I honestly thought your mom was going to walk out on us all that night you threw up on our new Didier Gomez sectional. That was tough on both of us, and while we both started drinking heavily, we stood by you guys and we tried our best to stay together. That's what is important. We did try.

One of the major problems we face as parents is that we have absolutely no spare time. Between your tennis lessons and school plays,we rarely have time to do things that we love. Things like playing tennis ourselves, or actually going to real plays. That's actually how we fell in love, and now we have absolutely no time for it. Of course, nothing against your performances in The Story of Bo Peep, but you have to understand that our tastes are very, how should I say this, refined? Yes,refined.

You're probably asking yourselves if we still love each other. And,yes, we do. But in complete honesty, the sex has been fairly terrible since she squirted out the last of you. It just seems, oh I don't know, that the plumbing's a bit messed up down there now. And, you're right -I always did secretly pray for your mom to get bigger breasts, but I certainly did not expect them to only get longer. So, in a way I was asking for this, I suppose.

Again, it's not one thing in particular that's causing this. It's acumulation of of little things. Granted, each of those little things could easily lead to this outcome.

If you're asking if we still love you, the answer should be obvious.Just because we're getting a divorce, it does not mean that we don't love you. It's just that we don't love each other when we're around you. Too many memories, I guess.

You still seem a little baffled, so I guess we can elaborate. Another major stress on our relationship has been the financial burden you kids have placed on our shoulders. Little Jimmy needs new rollerblades. Sara, you're always asking for new clothes. It's a bit overwhelming, honestly. Have you ever stopped to think about your folks? Maybe we want to rollerblade, Jimmy. Sara, have you ever wondered if I wanted some new clothes? Just ponder that for a while.

I seriously think we just weren't ready to be parents at all. We were just kids. Your mom was only six years out of law school, and my feet were far from set in my new medical practice. To think that we were only in our thirties. We were really just kids, you know? No one gave us some handbook on how to raise you. We just had to rely on our close networkof friends and family members who happen to be in the medical profession, several of them having actually written books on rearing children. Sure, the odds were against you guys, but I think you're turning out fine.

Ultimately, I hope this teaches us all about life. Kids, if you want anything, you have to just reach out there and grab it! What we really want is a little space from you guys. And now we're grabbing. I bet you kids are probably loving this. You'll get two sets of Christmas gifts now! I promise your mom and I will each send the gifts to your grandmother's, which, by the way, is where you'll be moving.