(College Male begins his search for a mate at approximately 10:00 p.m. on Friday. He picks the location to begin his search based on recommendations from other College Males, noise level coming from inside the location, and number of solo cups and Bud Light cans scattered outside the location. Upon entering said location, he spots an attractive College Female and attempts to initiate conversation with her.)
College Male: Humorous yet complimentary statement about College Female's physical appearance.
College Female: Giggles, thanks College Male.
College Male: Inquiry into College Female's desire for more alcohol.
College Female: Politely declines, holds up full solo cup to show College Male her current amount of alcohol is sufficient.
College Male: Statement acknowledging that he understands. Inquiry into type of music College Female enjoys listening to.
College Female: Expresses fondness for Coldplay, excitement about attending a Coldplay concert with her boyfriend in two weeks.
(College Male immediately loses all interest in talking to College Female. He abruptly ends the conversation and goes off in search of another mate. After spotting another attractive College Female, he attempts to initiate conversation again.)
College Male: Humorous yet complimentary statement about College Female's physical appearance.
College Female: Giggles, thanks College Male.
College Male: Attempted subtle yet actually incredibly obvious inquiry into availability of College Female.
College Female: Nervous laughter, statement confirming her availability.
(College Male becomes noticeably more interested in College Female.)
College Male: Inquiry into type of movies College Female enjoys watching.
College Female: States preference for Will Ferrell comedies.
College Male: Anchorman quote. Anchorman quote. Anchorman quote. Anchorman quote. Anchorman quote. Anchorman quote. Anchorman quote. Anchorman quote.
College Female: Nervous laughter. Statement expressing desire for more alcohol.
College Male: Offer to get more alcohol for College Female.
College Female: Polite refusal of offer.
(College Female leaves College Male ostensibly to retrieve more alcohol. College Male waits in the same spot for approximately five to ten minutes before deciding College Female is not coming back. College Male grows frustrated with his inability to obtain a mate and decides he needs to drink more to improve his skills. After several more drinks, he approaches the first College Female he sees and attempts to initiate conversation.)
College Male: Very slurred statement, possibly concerning the attractiveness of College Female.
College Female: Loud drunken laughter, thanks College Male.
College Male: Anchorman quote.
College Female: Loud drunken laughter.
College Male: Inquiry into College Female's desire to leave party.
College Female: Responds affirmatively.
(College Male and College Female stumble out of the party and return to College Male's private residence. College Male immediately begins trying to take off College Female's clothes.)
College Female: Request for College Male to slow down. Statement expressing desire for this not to be just a one-night stand.
College Male: Statement describing why College Female should not worry because he is not like other College Males/is tired of random hook-ups and looking for something deeper/really cares about College Female.
College Female: Inquiry into what her name is.
(Silence)
College Male: Anchorman quote.
(College Female slaps College Male across the face and storms out. Defeated, College Male retreats to his laptop to masturbate and make up a story for other College Males about how freaky College Female was. Tomorrow night, the process begins anew.)