Miss Perry,

Congratulations on your hit single "I kissed a girl". I hope you are enjoying your new-found success. While you are reaping the benefits of public promiscuity, I am left wishing New York State had less firearm restrictions so I could more easily shoot myself in the face. Unbeknownst to you, I work at MTV and while it sure must be great to have such adoring fans, we are in turn forced to play your single ad nauseam. The more I have been forced to listen to this filth, the more I take argument with your logic. You contest that despite being a heterosexual female, you thoroughly enjoyed kissing another girl. A testosterone stricken man like myself has trouble finding qualms with this statement but your faulty reasoning has left me cold. Later, you explain attraction is the result of her lips tasting "like your cherry chapstick". While I am not a lesbian and therefore could not say for certain why a girl would want to kiss another female (other than an alcohol induced desperation for attention), I would venture to guess that looks, personality, and occupation come into play when deciding. But I can only imagine that any self-respecting lesbian's reasons for liking chicks go far beyond the flavor of lip balm her partner is wearing. In fact, I would go as far as saying that you did not like kissing this girl at all; at most, you were indifferent towards the situation but your strange affinity for petroleum and cherries got the best of you. While you may have fooled this innocent girl into thinking you were interested or maybe even bi-curious, I see through this. And just like your lips, your feeble attempt to exploit these girls for their lip balm has been exposed to the cold, biting air of reality. I certainly understand the addictive nature of chapstick, but with the success of this single you can probably just buy as much chapstick as you want. I hoped your success that would result in your return to normalcy but being the conniving and manipulative bitch you are you will most likely continue to use these poor, unknowing girls. I hope you can live with yourself knowing that the world is privy to your secret.

You have been warned,

-rob coleman