Recently our anthropolgy experts discovered the scene of an intense neanderthal-like battle outside this local watering-hole, known to the juveniles as a "bar" or "pub". From the forensic evidence left here our experts can re-create the exact skirmish that occurred between two Guidious Maximus. Truly a fascinating discovery!
Travel back in time 5 whole days to last Friday Night. It would have been a typical night on the Jersey Shore. Adult males were out in "full force" looking for potential mates. In this region, mates are usually found for one night and discarded for "being a skank" the morning after copulation. Rarely will a male see the same female for consecutive matings. Competition in this area is fierce. Only the "most ripped", "most gelled" and "most tan" will spread their seed.
It seems two adult males simultaneously noticed the same female. Her "skank level" was quickly assessed and deemed "bangin'" but what the males didn't anticipate that night, was competition. Looking at the evidence we can see a small, dry, circular area, surrounded by old, spilled beer. We can assume that this was the female's drink, most likely an apple-tini. Two more circular areas nearby would seem to represent the competing males' drinks. From the leftover scent we can concur that indeed "jaeger-bombs" were being consumed and by the amount of Red Bull remains on the right hand side can assume that one male was "showering in that shiatsu". Extraordinary!
Examining the bar more closely, we can see the difference between the two males. Usually the Guidious Maximus are indistinguishable from one another, almost KNOWN for the fact that they all look and act exactly the same. However, this day appears to have been different. On the left hand side, the bar was found streaked orange, like a tiger's fur. And on the right, the bar was coated in a hard, gelatinous material. From here on we'll call the male on the left the "Tanned One" and the male on the right the "Gelled One".
At once both Guidious Maximus would converge on the lone female and begin a simple mating dance. With small brains, like birds, the Guidi kept it simple. First they would display their hair, prancing and preening for the female's attention. According to the evidence at the scene she wass unfazed and continued sipping her fruity drink. Next the males danced, pelvic bones thrusting forward displaying the ability to mate. A clever move, the female began to respond by thrusting back, first to the Gelled One, but then to the Tanned One as well. What the males failed to realize is that the female is displaying her own need. The need to dance. But then! The males noticed each other! Danger! Extrapolating on forensic data, experts believe this is how the fight may have happened:
Their moods switched from "mate" to "fight" instantly. A new dance began. Equally simple this dance involved beating one's chest and exclaiming questions loudly like "What?!?" and "You want somma dis??" As they circled each other, both males roared loudly. Surprisingly, this roar is not for intimidation, but rather, a cry for help! For the male is not a solitary hunter. With their low self-esteem and constant need for male approval, the Guidious Maximus is a pack creature and therefore calls for help from his friends. Frightened, the female of the species slinked away to her own pack. The females congregated and again, sipped their fruity drinks while nasally whispering to one another "Ohhhhh, my gawd!" and "I can't believe this is happening here, again!"
The Tanned One's pack did not answer the call. They were too busy with "some sluts" at the other end of the bar and miss the call to battle. The Gelled One's gang was equally distracted by the bright lights and moving images of a magic box. "Red Sox Suck!" and "Jeeeetaaaaahhhh!" is their only response. The males are alone.
Alone and realizing the object of their struggle is missing the two Guidi continued to circle each other. Neither wants to fight, neither wants to back down. How was this conflict resolved? Instead of using it's primary weapons of "totally jacked arms" in an effective manner, the Gelled One grabbed the garment of the Tanned One and must have yanked on it viciously. This stretched the fabric and resulted in tearing a small piece off. This piece was stuck to the bar and after careful study by our experts was determined to be a "bitchin' Armani Exchange black shirt". Over-priced foppery is another call sign of the Guidious Maximus. The Tanned One retaliated with a glancing blow that sheared some of the Gelled One's cranium spikes completely off it's head and onto the ground at their feet. Phenomenal! But the fight wasn't over yet! Oh no! The Gelled One ignored the loss of it's cranium spikes and charged the Tanned One. At this range the charge did little damage as did the resulting wild flailing by both parties. Many blows were struck, but results were in short supply. What happened next?
Anthropologists believe that another creature became involved. A "Bouncer". This large predatory creature converged on the too, and utilizing it's massive strength, physically removed the smaller specimen from it's territory despite the claims of the Guidious Maximus to be "totally effing ripped". However, the matching streaks of orange tanner and hair gel leading out of the watering hole confirm this story. Once outside, both males slinked away from the watering hole letting the other Guidious Maximus know that it was "effing lucky my boys weren't around". The bouncer simply returned to its nest. Truly, the bouncer is a unique creature in its acceptance of smaller creatures within its territory until "shit goes down". Impressive!
And so, another thrilling tale of the Jersey Fight Club comes to its end. Join us next week when a female Skankasaurus takes on her mate, the Douchebaggum Dudenus, after he responds to the mating call of an ex-lover in a fight we call. "Frenzied Female EX-acts Revenge!"
Many thanks to Happy Happy Happy Man, for the photoshopped logo help!