Love/Hearts/TheNotebook Bumper Stickers
Who Sends Them: Girlfriends, Ex-girlfriends, Future girlfriends, Testicularly-challenged men
What It Says: "We have the type of relationship that defies all odds, jumps through every hurdle, and withstands every argument where I call you a faggot and you point out my mole hair. No one understands how serious our 2 years and 5 month love is, especially those who have only been dating for just 2 years. I am willing to do anything sexually to keep you, including anal play. You are the Matthew McConaughey to my Kate Hudson."
Smart/Nerdy Sexually Suggestive Bumper Stickers
Who Sends Them: Biochemistry majors, Art history majors, Theater majors, Your greasy Anatomy teacher with a Facebook
What It Says: "I had 30 beers last night, no lie. And I stayed totally sober the whole time, I swear. After that, I pounded back six shots of Everclear, I kid you not. Then me and my lab partner dry humped for three hours before she passed out to George Lopez on Nick at Night. I'm telling you, it happened. High-five!"
Whore/Skank/Ho But Still Friends Bumper Stickers
Who Sends Them: Girls who loathe each other
What It Says: "We're incredibly passive aggressive and prefer to seem like friends, but plot against each other when we're alone. Like the time you showed people my crusted underwear. Or when I went on your computer and looked at your history to find out that you Googled, "How to get rid of the brown tint surrounding your anus." Yeah, I told everyone. Love ya!"
Enthusiastic About Being Black Bumper Stickers
Who Sends Them: Ironic white guys
What It Says: "I'm hilarious. And also terrified of black people."
Vampire/Blood Bumper Stickers
Who Sends Them: Lonely fat girls who stay in on Saturday nights watching Sweeney Todd and dressing up in corsettes
What It Says: "Look past my double chin, the Cool Ranch Dorito stuck to my cheek, and my thunder thighs, and you will find the nastiest screw of your life. I boned about half of the English department, and I masturbate more than you and your seven horny frat brothers combined. I'm masturbating right now. With this bottle of Fruit Punch gatorade. And my roomate is sleeping two feet away."
Weed Bumper Stickers
Who Sends Them: People who don't smoke weed
What It Says: "I just got high for the first time last night and I had to remind you. Potheads totally have a Facebook, use it efficiently, and know how to add applications. They spend hours clicking through 200-some pages just to find the perfect bumper sticker for someone. Right guys? Guys?"
Pink/Fabulous/Conceited Bumper Stickers
Who Sends Them: Girls who smell like tequila and burnt hair
What It Says: "Let's go out and get schmangled tonight. C'mon, let's just do a power hour, then go out and meet some 34 year olds with concealer covering up their acne. Afterwards, we can bring them back to the dorm and give them excruciating blue balls while we pretend to drift in and out of consciousness to avoid having sex with them. Then throw up on their Polo shirts and accuse them of date-rape. We're so effin' fabulous."
Jonas Brothers Bumper Stickers
Who Sends Them: Douches
What It Says: "I am voluntarily keeping my balls/vagina on lockdown."