While discussing the Olympics at work one day, Susanna expressed her belief that the Olympics and all the athletes involved – our world's most finely-tuned sportsmen – were worthless and wasting time. Naturally, we decided she should be our official Olympic correspondent. Let's see how she'll belittle the efforts of so many incredible athletes today!

It is time again for millions of people to tune in to watch the athletic quest for precious metals and trivial superlatives; the 2008 Summer Olympics have begun. Oh God.

After what felt like 45 hours of opening ceremonies, which included such sights as a drum show-a.k.a. a spectacle of over-population, LeBron James in dweeb clothes, and our main man George W. Bush looking simply riveted, the first night ended and the idea of having to sit through more became almost unbearable. But alas, I persevered and perhaps those Olympic-montage commercials were right: it's not the triumph, but the struggle.

Except right there is my problem with the Olympics. These people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of a circle of gold. And yeah, there's like pride or whatever, but don't you think these people would be prouder if they dedicated their lives to, I don't know, curing AIDs, discovering an infinite energy source, or writing a really awesome Simpsons episode?

At this point I expect you to concede to my value argument (am I wrong to do so?) and move on to justify the global captivation with the sentiment "they're just fun to watch." Really? You find weightlifting entertaining? You find archery entertaining? You find anything that necessarily starts in one location and ends in the same location (or in some exotic spot like the other end of the pool) to be entertaining? That sounds like the plot outline for an episode of Two and a Half Men.

I will admit one thing though: that gymnastics stuff is pretty god damn cool. But you know what would make it better? If they got rid of the rules. I don't give a crap if they land on two feet or if they land on their knees. I just want them to put on their ridiculous leotards and do the most awesome things they can. Coolest shit gets the gold.

Who's with me?