The dog days of summer are soon coming to an end, meaning the conclusion of the summer blockbuster season is soon approaching. Call me crazy, but despite the number of summer-movie classics that 2008 has begotten, I am not sad to see movie-going season go by the wayside. The reason? Movie audiences are REALLY annoying. Below, I have characterized 5 inept moviegoers that have soured my enjoyment of the modern-day cinema.

1. The Discreet Texter
Despite the hokey 80's theme at the beginning of the movie reminding you to turn your cell phones off, you seem to take this as meaning "no phone calls." Instead, you sit directly in front of me, bathing my face in the halcyon glow of your Sidekick, as you text your girlzzz about where you're going to get smoothies after the show. With the tell-tale "snap" signifying the closing of your cell phone, I breathe a sigh of relief, thinking the ordeal is over, only to find mere moments later that you have received yet another message, as signified by the low, yet distinct vibration sound. Please, for the sake of my sanity, don't even touch your phone during the movie, lest you risk me snapping the thing in two.



2. The Deadbeat Parent

Here I am, ready to see "The Dark Knight", ready for what many have called "fellatio in the form of a film", when suddenly Mr. I Only Have the Kids for the Weekend Yet Still Have Nothing Constructive to do With Them enters the theater with his two children, aged 8 and 6 respectively. As the opening scenes begin, I hear a variety of complaints, ranging from the piteous cries of the 6 year old, complaining that nobody got their face blown off in the cartoon Batman he watches every Saturday on Cartoon Network, to the pestering questions of the 8 year old, inquiring "Daddy, how did the Joker make that pencil disappear?" Try to do something constructive with your kids Dad, or I'm going to break the golden rule of the theater by using my phone to contact Child Services.



3. Middle Schoolers
This may seem like a broad generalization, but any true summer movie connoisseur will join in my bemoaning of the acne-stricken set.

They usually enter the theater with the subtlety of a stampeding bull elephant, and come in groups of 10 or more, in extremely disproportionate gender ratios (8 guys to 2 girls, or vice versa.) As the movie starts, the middle schoolers will proceed to yell across the row to their friends, make fun of the one kid who managed to bring a girl with them (Stop frenching, you freaks!), or make HILARIOUS jokes during the movie, such as making loud flatulence noises during quieter moments of the movie. I already advocate a 3-year boarding school program for the middle school population, but this goes doubly so when it comes to movie viewing.







4. The Couple
As I mentioned in the last section, some people come to the movies for dates, and occasionally, things might get a little hot and heavy. While I hardly consider myself a cock-block, if your action gets in the way of my enjoyment of a film, there's an issue. I'm all for sitting in the handicapped seat of the theater, getting a discreet hand job through the hole in the popcorn bucket. But sitting front and center, occupying only one seat, and yelling out dirty talk in various dead languages is over the top. If I want to see boobs in a movie, I'll just wait for the next direct-to-DVD installment from the American Pie or National Lampoon franchises.







5. The Applause-o-meter
There is literally nothing more annoying than sitting in the middle of a movie, hearing a particularly enjoyable line, then having the next 3 lines ruined because the mindless drones of the audience begin to applaud and whoop wildly like they're at a Cirque Du Soleil performance.

Plus, the end of most movies are followed by an obligatory round of applause from the audience, as if they're expecting Will Ferrell to walk out from behind the moldy velvet cinema curtains and give a bow. Guess what, clueless moviegoers? The director of this film is not currently waiting behind the movie screen, desperately seeking your input! There is no "secret shopper" working for the film industry awaiting a reaction from the audience to gauge the critical success! There are no audience members looking around in approval, thinking "Wow, that guy is applauding for this movie. He must know a lot about films. He really loved this one!" A hearty chuckle during funny moments in movies is perfectly normal, yet deafening any further dialogue by applauding is inexcusable.