We want to rock 'n' roll all night, party every day, and snag a few nap hours in-between.

There's nothing more annoying to me than when a group of people start doing the Electric Slide. Which is why I only attend Amish weddings.
-Conor McKeon
How to Turn Any Chair Into a Lawn Chair
Get evicted.
-Jeremy Bloxson
Being homeless is just camping but the forest is urban. And a bear ate all your food.
-Mark Brystowski
If Pizza Companies Were Ironic
"DiGiorno" is actually Italian for "Delivery"
-Sam Toth
My girlfriend saw me on the toilet and got so grossed out. I was like, "Everybody does it." And she was all like, "Let me finish peeing first."
-Streeter Seidell
I tried using one of those "self check-out" lines at the grocery store once, but everyone just laughed at me. Next time I'll just stick with the doctor's office.
-Patrick Cassels
Twins
I think twins are proof that god is kinky.
-Mark Normand
If I have an extreme hatred for NASCAR does that make me a racist?
-Tucker Diedrich
Every time I'm on a first date I play a little game called "Just the Tip"… where I leave 5 dollars on a $25 meal and then run out. Then I go back to her place and go balls deep.
-Shawn Pearlman
If the Garden of Eden Had Wi-Fi
Adam: F1rst!
Eve: ^Lame
Snake: Eve's fig leaf FTL
-Hallie Cantor
Vegan Substitutes
Are vegan hot dogs made from plant lips and a**holes?
-Drew Wilderman
My roommate likes to brag that his balls are like bowling balls. I guess it's true, though, considering they're very dirty and open for public use. And mostly dudes handle them.
-Adam Newman