Ethan: Let's make this fast; I have to be at one of the Chinese gymnasts' ninth birthday parties soon. What's your favorite event so far?
Amir: Besides the basics (basketball and swimming) I'm actually really getting into gymnastics. There's something funny about these incredibly talented American gymnasts who would obviously be ridiculed by the same people they're giving shout outs to, competing against these Asian robots who, I assume, were penalized .8 points for smiling in their national competitions.
Ethan: I respect the male gymnasts; it's hard to say anything against a guy who has 95% of his body mass tied up in his biceps. Raj Bhavsar is the most intense-looking guy I've ever seen; I'm pretty sure his eyes could bore holes in concrete. Not to be crass, but is there a more beautiful Olympian than Stephanie Rice? Not only is she really good, she's really hot. And don't say Carlos Boozer, or I'll know you're lying.
Amir: I'm only attracted to younger athletes whose age is disputed, that way I don't feel like a pervert. Question: If the Americans swam last nights 4 × 200m freestyle relay yesterday with their gold medals already on, would they still have won?
Ethan: Yes. At one point, I was really hoping Phelps would just stop and take a leak in the pool, then keep swimming a full body length ahead of everyone else. Was the 4 × 100m freestyle on Sunday night the best finish you've ever seen in a sporting event? It was right up there with the 2001 World Series and the end of a game of NBA Jam I played in 1996 for me.
Amir: Not only was it a crazy comeback, he did it against the swimmer next to him, a Frenchman who had guaranteed victory. That was like the perfect storm of awesome. Are you following this total medal count as closely as I am?
Ethan: Yes. It makes me glad that there are events like softball that are pretty much just there to pimp our totals. The Chinese Olympic Committee is so devious, how have they not come up with their own versions of things like softball and beach volleyball to get easy medals?
Amir: Those sports were deemed too "friendly."
Ethan: At the very least dragonboat racing should be an exhibition event. Maybe they were too busy forging passports for gymnasts. Have you watched any of the random events? I watched some badminton the other night and was engrossed. Malaysia's Lee Chong Wei is like Novak Djokovic with the shuttlecock.
Amir: I watched a full women's handball game. France vs. Angola. That should tide me over unil 2012.
Ethan: Water polo made me wonder how something so obviously exhausting could be so excruciatingly boring to watch. I'd rather tune in to see some Olympic-level Marco Polo. (You gotta conserve your "fish out of water" calls to get the gold.) Think the Redeem Team is on track?
Amir: Probably too early to tell, but the fact that we destroyed China, and Spain only beat them in OT is a good sign. You think Michael Redd is China's favorite player? Sorry, I let Jay Leno write one joke a week for me.
Ethan: There's still a bit much Jason Kidd for me. Actually, any Jason Kidd would be a bit much for me. Dude is washed-up. Enjoy the rest of his contract, Mavs fans! Moving off of Olympics, Chad Pennington instantly makes the Dolphins better, right? 3-13 is looking attainable.
Amir: What is it about Miami that attracts older people who are enjoying the twilight of their careers? You think Trent Green, Daunte Culpepper and now Chad Pennington just like the weather? Or is it the early bird specials they were attracted to?
Ethan: Chad had to move to a place where his throwing arm wouldn't be considered weak. Hence, he set up shop in a retirement community. Makes sense, and part of his base salary is now paid in bingo cards. You ready to tell me your fantasy sleepers yet? I promise I probably won't draft all of them.
Amir: Is Jerricho Cotchery in the second round a sleeper?
Ethan: You won't get him that late. He could be the James Jones of his generation this year. Any thoughts on the Adam Dunn trade?
Amir: I think he'll be a great addition to the Tampa Bay Bucs, coming home after five years with Atlanta.
Ethan: You're confused again
Warrick's the one who can hit for average. What a great trade for the D-Backs; they just got the most underrated player in MLB and also one of the best perpetually confused facial expressions in sports history. How can anyone be so stupid as to not understand Dunn is really, really good? He could OPS 1.500 for a year, and someone like Joe Morgan would claim he sucks because he doesn't hit for average. His defense in left is shaky, but this has to make Arizona the favorite to take the NL West again. Anyhoo, all ranting aside, got an interesting fact?
Amir: Watching USA destroy Angola got me nostalgic for the days where we wouldn't just beat African nations, we'd also have Barkley elbow them. Interesting fact: The original Dream Team never called a timeout throughout the entire Olympics.
Ethan: Chris Mullin kept wanting to call one, but Laettner shouted him down. Until next week, track and/or field!