While discussing the Olympics at work one day, Susanna expressed her belief that the Olympics and all the athletes involved – our world's most finely-tuned sportsmen – were just a waste of time. Naturally,we decided she should be our official Olympic correspondent. Let's see how she'll belittle the efforts of so many incredible athletes today!

I didn't watch the Olympics last night. It's not because I forgot; it's because I just really didn't want to. But when I went to check the Olympic Cliffsnotes a.k.a. the newspaper, I was reminded of a few events I have neglected to mention thus far:

Brazil almost took the gold in Pathetic-Ways-to-Get-People-to-Go-to-Your-Country by putting Richard Gere in their commercials, but at the last second they were sadly defeated by Australia when mayor John Molony realized the most brilliantly embarrassing way to fix your town's over-male population problem: invite ugly chicks. Triumph.

India pulled ahead in the Is-It-Really-Racist-to-Make-Fun-of-Their-Food? race as they took advantage of China's temporarily dogless menu, and trumped it with the government sanctioned suggestion of dining on rats.

Russia took the gold in Global-Super-Power-Multitasking by seizing Georgia's port of Poti after promising to withdraw, threatening nuclear activity, and still finding time for sports. China came in a close second as they managed to lie about almost everything having to do with the Olympic ceremonies, take bibles from missionaries, and, of course, continue every shady government practice that makes China China. The fine US of A won a respectable bronze for its multi-faceted activities that can best be described by the White House's official away message: "Phelps and stuff…"

And last, but probably not for the last time, Poland effortlessly swept up all medals in the contest for Western-Country-Most-Likely-to-Get-Dragged-into-Situations-Just-to-Get-Sh*t-on. A bittersweet victory, but as the old Polish saying goes, "Hey, at least we got something."

Congratulations to all!