Stuck in a bind? Need an extension? Well, I personally don't care about your bedroom practices, but feel free to use these tried and true excuses, alibis, and bold-faced lies in your attempt to conquer the upcoming semester.

"I'm sorry, but I don't have my paper. The FBI confiscated my computer and lot of other stuff. You'll have the assignment in six years, or maybe two years if I really behave myself."

"Fail me? Fail me? Do you know who I am? Do you know who my father is and how much money he's donated to this school? The building we're in is named after him, buddy, and you had better believe that Roger 'Advanced Laser Laboratories' Youngman will be hearing about this travesty of academic mistreatment!"

"I'm sorry that I missed class last Friday, but my mother died. Do you need a copy of the obituary? It's no problem, but you are going to have to wait for the cops to find the body first."

"I guess I just forgot to do my homework… You know, I've had the hardest time remembering things ever since I tripped over the negligently strewn straps of your attaché bag last week and hit my head on the corner of your desk."

"I'd like to apologize for missing calculus all last week. On Monday I was having an elective root canal, on Tuesday I was hitting myself in the head with a hammer, on Wednesday I was eating rancid bologna, on Thursday it was more of the hammer, and on Friday I was doing yet another incredibly painful thing that was somehow still more enjoyable than learning calculus."

"But you've got to let me take a make up exam! If my overall grade drops below a 55, I'll explode!"

"I'll be honest with you: I've been attending another lecture. It's a not a better lecture, per se, just different. And, while I don't really see myself and this new lecture working out, it has made me appreciate that we're not 'us' anymore. It's over. I'm sorry. Here's your textbook back. If you could put my things in a box, I'll be by later to get them. Keep the t-shirt, though; it looks better on you, anyway."

"I'm sorry I missed class yesterday, but I have discovered a method of time travel that allows me to bounce from the prehistoric era to the future and back again. Unfortunately, I had to sacrifice my discovery to ensure the stability of the space-time continuum. Also, here's $50."