This is the definitive, complete, and totally badass guide to dating Asian Girls. You can especially rely on it because it's been written by an Asian Guy who can speak Asian and would totally know how these crazy sexy exotic asian dragon bitches think. Without this guide, you were just a poor lost soul – but now that you have found enlightenment, you can live out those dreams you've always had of "dating at least one asian girl." I'm here to help and save the day my friends.

Tip #1: The easiest catch

The number one rule to dating an asian girl is to know which ones to go after. There's no point in going after the ones who have no interest in your white ass and have that rule of only dating koreans because they want to carry on the race or some crazy notion like that. Know that there are only two types of asian girls that have a predisposition for white boys. The white washed asian chick, and on the opposite end of the spectrum, the china girl who just arrived in America last week. They are the most common types of asian girls that will go for a white dude like yourself. Keep your focus limited to these two groups, and I will explain how to handle each type of girl.

Finding the white washed asians

Normally, asian girls flock around in groups discussing all sorts of exotic foreign crap you will never understand, like hello kitty and general tso chicken recipes. But that's exactly what makes her hot, right? In general, if you see numerous asian girls in a group without a hint of diversity, then you want to avoid them. They are most likely interested in dating Asians rather than you. Fortunately for you, to find the whitey asian girl it's easy. Just look for any group of white girls that only has one token asian in it. That's her. That's the "I only date white guys" asian girl. It's really that easy, my friend. They will be able to relate to you on more levels as well, so don't worry if you can't use chopsticks or don't like to take your shoes off when you go inside places. In all probability, neither does her white-washed ass. Find her, and just talk to her like you would to any other white chick – and in no time you'll be having many long nights of playing ultimate frisbee and hacky sack.

Finding the fobs

The fobby no-english asian chick is easier to detect, and quite possibly even easier to bag in comparison to the white-asian girl (I believe "twinkie" and "bananas" are the politically correct terms, but I have no use for such things.) All you have to do is keep your ears open for some broke ass english. Once you track her down, make sure you emphasize certain things that will interest her, like the fact that you are a U.S. citizen and can speak english. And make sure you always laugh at her jokes, no matter how terrible her english is. Ignore the fact that nothing she says makes sense and that you cannot really communicate with her. Stay focused on what matters, which is banging her. If you don't know where to start looking for these elusive fobs, try to find places that would attract traditional asian people. Specifically places that might cater to their needs – I believe Wendy's serves oriental chicken salads. That would indeed attract orientals, and so that might be a good place to start.

Tip #2: Emphasize your penis size

Asian girls are only interested in you because some poor asian goober out there failed to satisfy her with his tiny little panda express dick. You, and you only, with your gigantic enzyte white cock could satisfy her. So make sure you point out to her at some point during your first date that your caucasian penis is huge. Feel free to whip it out for her during dinner. Make a clever reference to it; call it your "spring roll"

look! it's even white! now that's clever


Tip #3: Be culturally sensitive. Take her to eat sushi

Be culturally sensitive. You have to take her to a place that won't offend her, all the while providing food that will fit her palate. At first, Olive Garden might seem like a good choice since they serve noodles, but you have to remember that Asians don't know how to use forks. There's really only one option left at this point; if you are a white guy on a date with an asian girl, take her to a sushi place – because I guarantee you will be the first one to have thought this. Impress her with your vast knowledge of asian culture by ordering some crappy americanized green tea like Snapple Green Tea. Top it off with a daring order of Philadelphia roll.

Tip #4: Be dominant

Asian chicks are all totally submissive. You must be the badass raging manly yang to their quiet submissive bitch-ass yin. Always be loud and make boisterous claims you can't ever hope to back up. Be pushy and command her to do things. Asian girls will absolutely eat that up because they are so submissive and just love it when they're told to do things. Make sure you walk into the room with this assertive personality, and I guarantee success with her. Kick her once or twice just to show her what's up.

Tip #5: Never go to an Asian club

Since Asians are racists, clubs usually designate one night out of the week that's referred to as "asian night" or "chinga chang chang night" or something cool like that. Even though it would seem like a good idea to go to where all the asian chicks are, don't be a idiot and show up there. First of all, you will stick out like a sore thumb, and most of all, you cannot possibly label yourself more as desperate for that asian poon tang pie. If you feel that it is a must for you to check out racially-designated events, a safer alternative is an Asian church. The one white guy at the all asian congregation is usually lot less creepy than the one white guy at the asian club. You can quote me on that.

Tip #6: Make clever movie references that she can relate to

Make at least one reference at some point to "me love you long time" or maybe a line or two from "Better Luck Tomorrow." Nothing makes an Asian happier than references to those two movies.

Tip #7: Dress like a bitch

Make it very clear to her that you know how to dress well in a way that's tasteful to her. Asian girls love it when guys look feminine. Listen carefully if you dig those perverted extra horny Japanese girls. First thing you have to do is grow a mullet, preferably with side burns. Once you got that, just do anything that might make you look like a little girl. Paint your nails, trim your eyebrows, put on eye liner, wear some lip gloss and make sure you wear jeans that look like they're trying to choke the fucking life out of your balls. Wear a purse and some dangling earrings. At this point you should look like a bitch, which is exactly how you're going to get laid.

If that won't get an asian chick to fall in love then I don't know what will. If you find this bit of advice incredulous, google japanese male models and you will see how right I am, and that you need to go out and buy some blue eye shadow and start looking like a bitch immediately.

#8 Bow as often as possible

You know how it looks all awkward when these people keep bowing to Japanese baseball players? It seems like they're just bowing down because they don't know what the hell else to do. Contrary to popular belief, this is the proper reaction. Asian people love it when you bow to them. Asian people are really big on that samurai-ninja-honor and respect crap, so bow to her as often as humanly possible at every chance. Open a door for her, bow. Pick her up at 8, bow at her door. Meet her friends, bow down. She sneezed? Bless her, bow, and offer her a fortune cookie. Don't even think – just bow.