If your roommate arrives before you and takes the bottom bunk, chances are you can look forward to a year of painful falls and bitter resentment. However, just like poor people who play the lotto, there is always hope! Follow our simple three-step plan for a bed takeover and watch your roommate evacuate that bottom bunk in no time.
1. The Big Foot: When climbing up or down from your bunk, take special care to step on your roommate's head, hand, foot, etc. It's not a big foul, but it's irritating and will establish you as careless and clumsy. Also, knocking anything off a nightstand he may have is encouraged.
2. The Curious Neighbor: Nothing says "I might stab you" like watching someone sleep. The top bunk is perfect for a little over-the-edge spying. However, unlike most undercover operatives, you want to be spotted. When he asks why you are staring at him, just say, "You look so peaceful so innocent." Note: Popping your head down when he is with a girl and asking a stupid question such as "When are you waking up tomorrow?" never hurts.
3. The Waterfall: How bad do you want that bottom bunk? Really bad? Good, you're ready for the final step. After a night of drinking, climb into bed and pee yourself. Don't worry, lots of kids do this in college, so your reputation won't be so hurt. The next day, when your roommate discovers himself soaked in your waste, explain the awful paradox you're in: you love to drink, yet you pee yourself every time you do! It's important to apologize profusely for the "accident" so your roommate doesn't catch on to your plan. After one or two soakings, you'll be sitting pretty on that bottom bunk.
From our book, the CollegeHumor Guide to College.