This week's roommate confession is devoted entirely to freshman confessions, pranks and sins so pure and evil that I couldn't squeeze it down to just 5, so it's 10. That's right! That's like, two weeks of confessions wrapped into one cheesy gordita crunch. So check out the top 10 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!
Brandon Yuenger, GVSU
My freshman year I arrived at the dorm first and claimed the bottom bunk. My roommate was afraid to sleep on the top so he used an air mattress. He was also a total freak in innumerable other ways as evidenced by said air mattress
Anyway, I was sick of him after the first couple weeks of school and poked a hole in his mattress with a push pin while he was in class. It was a slow leak so he would end up on the floor every night after a few hours. He could never figure out why. I don't feel bad.
Shimmy Annonymous, East Tennessee State University
One of my pledge brothers, Mitch, dated this girl at the beginning of freshman year. This girl was gorgeous but he and she were both shitty people. He constantly cheated on her and talked shit about her yet they would still hook up later that night. Well one night his girl from his hometown, Alexa, decided to come down and everyone knew what the outcome of the night would be for them. It just so happened that the night Alexa came it was also the other girl's birthday. Knowing full and well she was wasted because of her birthday me and a couple of other guys decided to call her up from my phone claiming that it was Mitch and that his phone was broken so he had to use mine. We then convinced her to come down to Mitch's dorm room for a little birthday lovin'. To her surprise she walked in on him and Alexa hooking up and proceeded to cause a huge scene which ended in them never speaking to each other again. Now a semester later he's a walking STD and she is the biggest slut at school.
TBH HNJ, UGA
So freshman year there was this kid on our floor from Alabama. He was really southern and conservative, really devout Christian pissing off a lot of people on the floor. He was also a huge brat considering he was an only child and he spent money like it grew on trees. The kid was really obnoxious and annoying, yet he blamed everyone else for his shortcomings, especially girls who rejected him one time accusing her of being a lesbian. He always was in his room, even when his roommate's girlfriend came over, and even invited him on their dates. On top of pieing him in the face on his birthday, this story was classic. On move out day, instead of packing his shit up, he threw everything into those black trash bags. While he was in his room, two guys from the floor decided to take a bikini top leftover from a costume party and toss it into one of the bags. No harm done? The next semester, he accused me of doing it explaining to me what had happened when his mom found it. Instead of thinking he was with a girl, she automatically thought he had turned into a cross dresser and resorted to dating guys. He told me she actually started crying because she thought he might be gay. Funny thing is during that 2nd year his roommates found him locked in his bedroom with some gay guy, and they did not come out until the next afternoon. His roommates heard some crazy conversation too, but the next day he totally denied it. I guess mom knows best.
Jay Thrilla, Oklahoma
So my freshman quarter I roomed in a dorm with this really creepy kid, Martin. This kid was a slob, he spent all day playing videogames on his computer and never left his desk, not even to go to class. He never picked up after himself and gave off the most foul odor ever. He also was known as "the creepy kid" because whenever I would invite a girl over, he would sit at his desk and just stare at her. This kid was the fucking definition of the Anti-Poon. Anywho, one day, me and a buddy saw my room was for once empty and Martin was nowhere to be seen. We sat around for a while watching TV when my buddy asked me where Martin was. I responded by going on a 5 minute rampage about how he was probably in the bathroom jerking off to WarCraft or some other weird shit. I also pointed out to my buddy the countless packets of empty food that his fatass was too lazy to throw away and had collected in the corner of his room. As I'm ranting, my friend Matt comes in the room and grabs his backpack. I look over at Matt and say "Oh, phew, I thought you were Martin." I than hear a voice from the top bunk of my dorm, "No, I'm up here." I was so shocked that I didn't have anything to say, not realizing Martin was up in the bunk the entire time. From that point on, Martin never played another videogame, and he cleaned up his entire mess the next day. A week later he moved out and didn't even warn me ahead of time. SHAZAM!
At the beginning of my freshman year, my 5 roommates and I all decided to make a trip to Costco and split the total evenly. Two of them were the biggest potheads at my school (that's saying something considering SSU is a pretty big weed school) and decided that they would take more than their share so I decided to start putting all my stuff in my room and my mini fridge. Even though I had a single and the door was always locked, they somehow found a way to steal my food still. They would eat everyone else's food out in our common fridge also. Whenever my food in my room would expire, I put it in the common fridge knowing they would eat it without looking at the expiration dates. One day, I came out of my room and heard some sounds coming out of their rooms. They both were definitely puking their stomach lining out. It turns out that eating cereal with old, chunky, expired milk isn't the best choice. One of them even had to go to the hospital. Have fun starving to death next year since both of you spend all your money on weed and never buy your own food. That's going to be hard since you're going to be living with each other.
Last year in our fraternity house we had a stoner freshman who couldn't hold his liquor, stole everyone's cigarettes and was a general waste of life. Just to give you an idea of how big a douche this guy is, he had sex with his best friend's girlfriend while his friend was passed out in the bed next to them. This kid had his day coming. One night he drank one too many drinks and ended up setting off a fire extinguisher in my friend's room across the hall from me. He ruined a $2000 hdtv, the carpet, refrigerators, microwaves, clothes, couches and 3 computers. A kid who was sleeping in the room got Carbon Dioxide poisoning and had to go to the hospital. He still has lung issues to this day. The kid also took the initiative to kick my door in and steal half of my dvds while i watched him from my bed. He tried to deny the entire thing the next day until I found all of the dvds under his mattress and the fire extinguisher under his pillow. He half assed apologized to us and got away with no penalty whatsoever because his butt buddy was on our executive board. I worked at the department of student life on campus, so I stole a bunch of envelopes and letter heads. I sent letters to his rich parents, our fraternity alumni chair, and his high school's dean (just for good measure, the kid had discipline problems in high school) saying that he had been kicked out for destroying university property. His rich parents pulled him out of school and made him go to therapy for 6 months. His former High School dean had him go talk to the seniors about the dangers of alcohol in college. Our alumni chair fined him $10,000, charged him with vandalism (which got dropped), and kicked him out of the fraternity. Well, he came back to school last semester a "new man". He still doesn't know it was me who sent the letters.So remember all of you incoming freshmen, karma is a bitch, especially in college.
Anonymous, Penn State
My roommate freshman year always talked about how high he was getting. All my friends and I knew he was full of shit and never actually partied near as much as he said he did. Halfway through the year we got tired of his shit, so we convinced him that we had some kind of "wonder weed" which was actually oregano. We followed this by giving him an 18 pack of Bud filled with O'douls. What makes it all better is that the RA found the bottles of "beer" and gave him a citation for having alcohol in a dorm room while he was "totally hammered and high"
Mike Roper, CU Boulder
Freshman year I hated my roommate. He was incredibly messy, ate all my food, went to bed really early and smelled like shit. Oh yeah, and he would bring over these ugly, fat chicks to hook up with. I mean chicks easily over 250 lbs who looked like if Jabba The Hutt and Amy Winehouse had a kid. Disgusting. Anyway, one night I was fed up. He was up on the top bunk banging this hefty critter so I decided to put an end to this once and for all. I quietly sneaked into the room, climbed up the bunk bed so I was directly over their heads, pulled down my pants and positioned my ass right over her face. I let go the longest, smelliest fart I could and then, oops, something came out. She screamed and ran out of the room, half naked and with the shit still on her face. Needless to say, my roommate was pissed. I kicked him in the nuts as hard as I could and went to my buddy's place to sleep for the night. The next day, I came back to my room to fine my roommate, as well as ALL of his stuff gone. I found out the next day he cancelled his enrollment and I never saw him again. That's what you get for hooking up with cows, freak.
Tim B., UConn
So my freshman year when I was living in the dorms my roommate had this chick he had been dating for over a year. He was kind of a tool but we all got along pretty well and she was smoking hot and had hot friends. Well towards the end of the school year a bunch of us came back to the dorms smashed. His girlfriend and I went back to our dorm room and he went to this girl's room he was really good friends with to grab some stuff before he came back to our room. So her and I get back to our dorm room and turn on the TV and just start hanging out while we were waiting on him. Well like half an hour later he hasn't come back yet and she is beginning to wonder where he is. Well he doesn't respond to her calls and texts and due to her being drunk she is thinking worse case scenario, that he is fucking another girl. She starts to get all stressed out about it because he hangs out with the chick, whose room he went to, all the time and I think it made her uneasy. Well after a little longer she just straight up asks me if I thought he was cheating on her. Now I had two choices. I knew he wasn't actually cheating on her so I could just tell the truth. Or I could say maybe and see where this went. I decided on the ladder and said that he was kind of secretive about hanging out with her and never really told me much. Well this pushes her over the edge and she starts crying about how could he do this to her and what not. I start to comfort her and out of no where we start going at it and we end up having sex on his bed. After we're finished and start to sober up she freaks out, while still naked mind you. She was saying how big of a mistake this was and that we had to tell him. I looked at her and said if you tell him about this you two will definitely be done. She thinks about it and we decide not to say anything. The next morning when I see him it turns out he was so wasted he passed out on the floor in another friends room on his way back. Well I never really spoke to them after I moved out and now it says on Facebook they're engaged. Oops.
Anonymous, James Madison