Whoever threw a brick through my window and said "blog immediately or else", you support is appreciated but now I have to fix a window.
Anyway, I love Facebook. If I spent as much time doing something productive and profitable as I do looking at all of you on Facebook, I'd be retired-living the good life on my own private island, spending my days tanning (I bought an invention to make that happen for me) and sending Facebook messages to people about how much more awesome my life is than theirs. That being said, I feel like I've given due credit and now will have no guilt in detailing everything about it that pisses me the f*** off. Ready?
Applications " Alright, at first I thought these were pretty cool, allowing me to do cool things on Facebook besides stalk everyone's pictures, like using Top Friends to make my Bottom Friends feel like shit, show you how much faster I am at typing than you, etc But it's gotten more out of hand than binge drinking amongst college freshmen, and I'm sick of it. The Honesty Box (see: Anonymous "Why You Suck" Box or Anonymous "I'm In Love With You But a Coward" Box), Pirates vs. Ninjas, shitty little icons that I can pay money to give away? What in the hell? I have lost friendships over invitations from them to add the "Your Ass or a Hole in the Ground" Application or the "Ninjas vs. Pirates". To each their own of course, but many of these are beyond ignorant and cannot possibly be considered worthwhile by anyone worth knowing in any way.
-Scrabulous " I'd like to give special attention to arguably the best application ever created. Scrabulous allowed me to beat my friends at Scrabble on Facebook in real time, except for Shannon, who owned me. Now, am I interrupting my rant to say something positive? Hell no. Scrabulous was shut down by Hasbro due to copyright infringements, solidifying for me that applications are just not meant to be cool
Facebook Chat " This is actually a fairly useful tool for talking real time with friends when it works right which is about as common as a politician answering a question directly. Any time I send someone a message on this and don't see "Matthew is no longer online. The following was not sent: Hey Matthew, just wanted to tell you sorry about the clap (send as message)", I get excited. I can't have a five-minute conversation with someone without this happening forty-two times, along with "Facebook Chat Unable to connect" happening twelve times. It's unacceptable. I expect flawless performance out of all my free services, and I don't understand why Facebook thinks they should be an exception. If they don't get things straightened out and soon, they can look forward to me on the phone demanding compensation for my frustration.
Needless Change " Look, maybe I'm getting old, but every time I get used to and comfortable with Facebook as a whole-they flip my F'ing world upside down. First they make News Feed the primary page for everyone, which should be called "Constant Tap On Everyone's Personal Business." Why do I need to know that someone I hardly know told someone I don't know at all something on their wall? (It should be noted in fairness that I now read the news feed in detail, but that doesn't mean I agree with it in concept). So fine, I get used to the new Facebook, and now they go and redo it again? Damnit, Google has looked the same for a decade now and it seems to be working out just for them. I need to be able to quickly maneuver in and out of everyone's lives, and these changes slow me down. Cut it out unless I suggest something.
Photos " I'm sick and tired of getting tagged in terrible and/or incriminating pictures of myself. You know the ones, where you get busted in the "I wasn't ready for this to be taken red eye double chin spill on the shirt look like a complete idiot" pic and it's tagged for everyone to see. Yeah I know, I can untag it and all, great. Now if someone sees it that knows me they'll think "Shit! I wish I know who that was right there looking like an ass hat so I could think less of him and retag him to be a bastard, but there's no name on it so I have no way of knowing who it is rats!" I think I should be able to not only approve all taggings, but further be given the ability to banish any picture I'm in from Facebook forever. The rules of picture tagging ruin friendships and lives.
Ok let me know what I'm forgetting and I'll add it
While I'm at it I feel it only fair to say a quick word or two about MySpace. Well, MySpace sucks. I keep it around for the sole purpose of my blog, but it's just terrible. That is all.
I should also probably address Friendster. What the hell is Friendster?