Ahhhh, Prison Break. Where beheadings aren't necessarily permanent, where the main character will wear a long-sleeve shirt in 100 degree weather just so the make-up department won't have to paint giant tatoos on him, where a man can be charged with a crime, sent to trial, be found guilty, and incarcerated in a 24-hour period.
Michael narrates his letter recapping the last season to the viewer before he ambushes Gretchen and Whistler on a mission to steal some computer chip that seems important, but everyone gets away after Gretchen tells Michael that Dr. Sara's still alive and headed. Michael, ever the softie, decides to figure that out. He calls Lincoln, who casually mentions that Sona burned down and so Bellick, Sucre, and T-Bag are free. Michael doesn't seem to care too much about that. Way to give closure, writers! Also, Lincoln gets separated from Whistler's annoying girlfriend and LJ when he gets arrested for killing a hired goon, and Whistler gets killed by Black Kellerman. So Sona's gone and Whistler's dead? What was the point of last season?
Pretty soon, everyone is arrested for various reasons, and Michael and Lincoln are offered a deal by the curly-haired, New York guy from Boston Public. Special Agent Brooklyn tells the brothers that he knew their dad and he wants to take down The Company. The first part? Get that computer chip, codenamed Scylla. The second part? Break into some building and decrypt it. Whistler's notebook, which is now in the hands (correction: hand) of T-Bag, was supposed to facilitate this, but it can be still be done. The Company has infiltrated too deeply into the government though, so Brooklyn tells the brothers that only they can be trusted to take care of this special mission. Michael will provide the brains and Lincoln will provide the headbutts. Brooklyn offers to provide fellow convincts Bellick, Sucre, and Mahone to help them out. Honestly, Brooklyn thinks Bellick will be of any value. Michael decides he's not ready to get the band back together and gets bailed out by Dr. Sara's dad's pal! Who leads them to Dr. Sara! Who has a head!
Michael and Sara whisper sweet nothings to each other all night, until Black Kellerman starts shooting at them. They decide that The Company won't give up 'til they're all dead, so they tell Brooklyn to assemble the cons. Only major problem? Michael's torso-encompassing, now totally unnecessary, and make-up department-angering tatoo makes him pretty recognizable. The solution? Laser it all off at once! And then never mention it again.
Meanwhile, T-Bag is pissed at Michael for leaving him to rot in Sona, even though he did a pretty good job of busting himself out by burning the whole place down. He's off, bird book in hand, to get some revenge, Cajun-style. He gets left for dead in the desert with a fat Mexican guy, who he eventually has to eat to survive. Surprisingly, eating a human being doesn't even rank in the top 10 worst things T-Bag has done. He manages to find a secret locker in San Diego with a key intended for Whistler.
Team Convict convenes at an unused warehouse near the harbor, where they have some extra chairs from CTU and an Asian computer guy to help them out. Mahone helps Team Convict figure out who is the likely holder of Scylla and Asian Computer Guy has a device that automatically downloads any electronic info within a 10-ft. radius. And logic is told not to let the door hit its ass on the way out.
By exploiting the least secure house of an evil conspiracy member ever, the gang gets all of the info from the chip. Except Papa Burrows left part of "The Odyssey" on a piece of paper, the part about Scylla. It had six-heads and six crewmembers needed to be sacrificed to get past it. Michael uses his all-powerful brain to deduce that there are six different chips with all of the info on it, leaving five more to go. Then Michael's eyes go blurry and his nose starts to bleed, indicating that he either has a brain tumor or his brain has grown so big that it's starting to ooze out of him. Either way, not good.
Also, Gretchen is being tortured by The Company. Except no one cares. Two hours down, a lot more to go.
-Bellick's mom! Awwww!
-Sucre finally getting to meet 'lil Sucre.
-Dude: You eat some bad Mexican?
T-Bag: Yeah something like that.
-Desperately and hopelessly trying to explain various plots to the missus:
"Well, their dad used to work for the Company, except he turned on them, and then Mahone killed him it's complicated."
"Linc was framed for killing the VP's brother, who was in charge of an energy company, but he wasn't really dead, and he and the VP were incestual, but he killed himself it's complicated."
"T-Bag? it's complicated."