If anyone feels like Gossip Girl is "too gay" for consumption, he should keep it to himself. I swear to God, if there are any comments about how gay this show is, I will break into the homes of those commenters in the still dead of night and do things so horrible, I haven't even thought of them yet. I know exactly how gay this show is. I watch it. You don't need to tell me.
Previously on Gossip Girl: Bart and Lily got married, Dan and Serena broke up, Chuck and Blair got together, Chuck and Blair probably had sex with people who weren't Chuck or Blair, Nate's dad left the country to continue his coke/fraud habit elsewhere, Rufus continued to pretend to be a rock 'n roll star, Jenny got an internship with Waldorf-cum-Parsons, Dan and Vanessa looked like they were going to spend the whole summer together being righteous and annoying, and Nate and Serena met on the street and laughed awkwardly about how they were going to be in the Hamptons all summer, secluding themselves in their respective oceanfront mansions and probably having a lot of sweaty beach sex or whatever rich teenagers do when they're not swimming in their vaults full of gold coins.
It's the end of summer now, and Nate is re-enacting the final scene from American Pie 2, in which Finch has sex with Stiffler's mom in a car. In all fairness, this lady is probably 5 years younger and 16 times hotter than Stiffler's mom. Still, she's not Serena, so my predictions based on the last episode of last season have already been proven wrong.
Elsewhere in the Hamptons, Chuck is sitting in a beach chair watching three ethnic girls take off their tops, which would be pretty hetero of him except that, as usual, he's dressed like a French person from 1918. Serena walks by and glares at him sort of, then sits alone on a blanket while Gossip Girl is all, "Allegedly Serena and Nate have been knocking boots all summer, but if that's true, why is Serena alone so much? And why is Nate having sex with someone's mom in the front seat of a car?"
Speaking of people Serena's not having sex with, Dan is in a bookstore (of course), ignoring some crusty dude who's reading aloud so that he can make out with another ethnic-looking chick in the stacks. She gives him her number, and then pretty much immediately after she bounces, the crusty dude walks over and exposits that he is Dan's boss, and that Dan has an "internship" with him (aka this genius conned Dan out of getting paid the $7/hr he should be making working at a bookstore), and that as his final internship mission, Dan must turn in his story the next morning. The impression we get is that Dan is such an asstard that he was unable to complete a 3-page story in as many months. Then an Asian chick rolls up and is all, "I wait for you long time. Why you no show up?" and Dan's like, "Where's my laundry, bitch?!" and smacks her. Not really, but I bet later he'll wish he had.
At the Waldorf Dress Designing Factory, the only gainfully employed Humphrey shows a heinous dress to the bitchy biracial lady who runs the sweatshop while Eleanor is away in Europe visitng her gay husband. Jenny wants her boss to wear this dress to the White Party (hosted by VITAMIN WATER OH MY GOD BUY IT). The White Party is apparently a really big deal, because her boss basically says: "This is made of lace. And it's not even white. It's eggshell. Eggshell makes me vomit." And Jenny's like, "Don't you enjoy vomiting?" and she's like, "Bitch, please, I smoke meth. Also you just want me to wear this so that it will be photographed by famous people and appear in famous magazines, and I would never wear something that a 15-year-old designed." Which is a totally valid argument, plus Jenny is pretty much the worst designer ever, if the dress Vanessa wore to Lily & Bart's wedding is any indication: