If anyone feels like Gossip Girl is "too gay" for consumption, he should keep it to himself. I swear to God, if there are any comments about how gay this show is, I will break into the homes of those commenters in the still dead of night and do things so horrible, I haven't even thought of them yet. I know exactly how gay this show is. I watch it. You don't need to tell me.
Previously on Gossip Girl: Bart and Lily got married, Dan and Serena broke up, Chuck and Blair got together, Chuck and Blair probably had sex with people who weren't Chuck or Blair, Nate's dad left the country to continue his coke/fraud habit elsewhere, Rufus continued to pretend to be a rock 'n roll star, Jenny got an internship with Waldorf-cum-Parsons, Dan and Vanessa looked like they were going to spend the whole summer together being righteous and annoying, and Nate and Serena met on the street and laughed awkwardly about how they were going to be in the Hamptons all summer, secluding themselves in their respective oceanfront mansions and probably having a lot of sweaty beach sex or whatever rich teenagers do when they're not swimming in their vaults full of gold coins.
It's the end of summer now, and Nate is re-enacting the final scene from American Pie 2, in which Finch has sex with Stiffler's mom in a car. In all fairness, this lady is probably 5 years younger and 16 times hotter than Stiffler's mom. Still, she's not Serena, so my predictions based on the last episode of last season have already been proven wrong.
Elsewhere in the Hamptons, Chuck is sitting in a beach chair watching three ethnic girls take off their tops, which would be pretty hetero of him except that, as usual, he's dressed like a French person from 1918. Serena walks by and glares at him sort of, then sits alone on a blanket while Gossip Girl is all, "Allegedly Serena and Nate have been knocking boots all summer, but if that's true, why is Serena alone so much? And why is Nate having sex with someone's mom in the front seat of a car?"
Speaking of people Serena's not having sex with, Dan is in a bookstore (of course), ignoring some crusty dude who's reading aloud so that he can make out with another ethnic-looking chick in the stacks. She gives him her number, and then pretty much immediately after she bounces, the crusty dude walks over and exposits that he is Dan's boss, and that Dan has an "internship" with him (aka this genius conned Dan out of getting paid the $7/hr he should be making working at a bookstore), and that as his final internship mission, Dan must turn in his story the next morning. The impression we get is that Dan is such an asstard that he was unable to complete a 3-page story in as many months. Then an Asian chick rolls up and is all, "I wait for you long time. Why you no show up?" and Dan's like, "Where's my laundry, bitch?!" and smacks her. Not really, but I bet later he'll wish he had.
At the Waldorf Dress Designing Factory, the only gainfully employed Humphrey shows a heinous dress to the bitchy biracial lady who runs the sweatshop while Eleanor is away in Europe visitng her gay husband. Jenny wants her boss to wear this dress to the White Party (hosted by VITAMIN WATER OH MY GOD BUY IT). The White Party is apparently a really big deal, because her boss basically says: "This is made of lace. And it's not even white. It's eggshell. Eggshell makes me vomit." And Jenny's like, "Don't you enjoy vomiting?" and she's like, "Bitch, please, I smoke meth. Also you just want me to wear this so that it will be photographed by famous people and appear in famous magazines, and I would never wear something that a 15-year-old designed." Which is a totally valid argument, plus Jenny is pretty much the worst designer ever, if the dress Vanessa wore to Lily & Bart's wedding is any indication:
Also we get the impression that Jenny is not allowed to go to the party because she is Poor. I bet she'll manage to finagle her way in somehow. Probably by exploiting someone or turning a pumpkin into a dress (see above).
Dan and Jenny briefly mention that their mother is still with that Alex dude who plans adulterous trysts via USPS, which is mostly amazing because no one cares about that storyline at all. Also Dan is having trouble writing his story, presumably because he spent all summer masturbating to his own reflection and now has carpal tunnel syndrome.
Chuck heard that Blair is back from visiting her gay dad in France, so he goes home and Serena is like, "Blair will be alighting from her jitney any second," and Chuck is like, "What the fuck is a jitney?" and Serena is like, "I see those ethnic girls didn't teach you anything," and Chuck's like, "At least I was looking at byoobs all summer. What were you doing, besides not getting nailed by Nate?" and she's like, " Looking at my own byoobs?"
Chuck meets Blair at her gypsy cab. Adorably, he has brought her flowers. Less adorably, Blair has brought a 20-something dude named James. Chuck sadly drops the flowers in a gutter, probably inspiring The Shins to record a cover of "Kiss from a Rose."
The next morning (I assume), Blair and Serena sit on a lanai and gossip about their summers. Serena still misses Dan because she is a giant sack of sadness, and Blair is like, "So wait, you haven't been boning Nate all summer?" and Serena is like, "No, my vagina has been totally unpenetrated," and Blair is like, "I can't believe no one's asked you out," and Serena's like, "Well this one lifeguard asked me out, but I said no because I'm still not over Dan, for reasons that no other human will ever understand," and Blair is like, "Um, stop being Jewish and have sex with the lifeguard." Then Chuck shows up, and even though Blair had previously been speaking tepidly about James, suddenly she talks about him like she likes him a whole lot, and Serena basically goes along with it, and while Chuck chokes back his tears, Blair is all smug, like, "Jealous much?" and Chuck is like, "We'll see how jealous I am AT 7 O'CLOCK TONIGHT WHEN WE HAVE DINNER TOGETHER." The gauntlet has been thrown.
Rufus calls Jenny from his "tour bus" in "Vermont," where he has been "rocking out with his cock out" and advises her to crash the White Party by exploiting Eric van der Woodsen's lack of other friends. Needless to say, this plan works perfectly because Eric lost his backbone in the Great War.
Dan shows up in a dingy bar without a story for his crusty boss, who promptly fires him. If Dan had shown up with the story, one assumes that his boss would have bestowed upon him the accolade, "You're the man now, dog."
Serena leaves for a date with the lifeguard and Nate makes out with the mom, whose aged husband arrives home a week ahead of schedule. Because they are not rich enough to have a summer house with a back staircase for the servants, Nate has to hang glide out the bedroom window in his underwear and cleverly disguises himself as a deer by running straight into Serena's date's car.
Meanwhile Chuck, Eric, Eric's grandma, Blair, and James have tea in a garden (see, like I said, I know exactly how gay this show is). Chuck, mistaking GG for High Fidelity, quizzes James on Blair's Top Five All-Time Favorite Movies. Then he notices Blair's I Love You pin on James' sleeve, so he runs away to cry in a promenade. Blair joins him, and they both look sad while they talk about how much Blair likes James. In case you're not following: Blair doesn't really like James. She likes Chuck. She's just afraid of Chuck because he looks like that one 6th grader from South Park:
Blair returns to the table and takes the pin back, claiming that it must have accidentally gotten stuck on James' sweater. James: "I didn't feel a thing." Blair: "Neither did I." (Double-entendre!)
The next day Blair complains about Chuck a lot, using clever puns of his name like "motherChucker" and "Chuck Basstard." Then she flies away in her private ROFLcopter. At the same time that she and Serena are walking down the street, Chuck and Nate are walking down the same street. Nate looks normal, Chuck is wearing a fedora pushed back on his head so as to render useless its natural power of providing face shade. The two pairs eventually meet up, and Blair and Chuck fight about how much they love each other while Serena tells Nate to stop having sex with the mom. Nate is all, "I totally did, I swear," and Serena is like, "You better have, or so help me God, Luke, I am telling Marissa!" Then Chuck calls Eric and tells him to do some reconnaissance work on this "James" character.
Dan complains that he can't write his story because it's about Serena (obvi, she's literally the only life experience he has), and he's not ready to face his feelings for her yet because he still thinks about her. I still think about punching Dan square in the nuts, but given three months, I bet I could manage to write a short story about it.
Eric learns that James didn't go to any Ivy League school, as he had claimed to have done. He reveals this information to Chuck while they play fucking croquet. Eric is an out gay now, but Chuck has no excuse. Realising that Eric is a small-time gumshoe, his speed dials his PI to get to the real "bottom" of this.
Through a predictable series of events, Blair will be attending the White Party with James, Nate will be attending with Serena, and Dan will be attending with his own self-righteousness/Serena's grandma, who is much nicer now that her "cancer" is in "remission." He puts a pearl necklace on her (double-entendre again!) and she tells him that Serena is still in love with him.
FINALLY the White Party happens. Jenny shows up in her ugly dress with Eric. Serena shows up looking like a goddess with Nate, who is dressed in pajamas. Nate's sex mom comes walks by and yells at him for trying to break up her marriage by showing up to a party that she is also attending. What a paranoid whore.
Blair uses James to make Chuck jealous. (Chuck is standing near a black guy. WTF is he doing at the White Party?!) James calls Blair out on her plan to use him to make Chuck jealous. She's like, " Yes, that's what's happening," and he's like, "Then you're no better than Chuck," and Blair is like, "I take offense to that. I dress relatively not-anachronistically."
Nate convinces Serena to make out with him to make the mom jealous, and of course Dan waltzes in just as they finish their kiss. And of course, Dan gets all up-in-arms about how the girl whose heart he broke three months ago is making out with some other dude. Because she will never, ever, ever learn, Serena placates Dan instead of punching him square in the nuts. He accuses her life of containing too much drama, and in a fabulous explosion of irony, the ethnic bookstore girl and the Asian laundress materialize and throw VITAMIN WATER OH MY GOD BUY IT on him because he was "making out with one of them while he was supposed to be picking up his laundry from the other." Whatever. As far as I'm concerned, if you date a guy who's an intern in a bookstore, you've made your own impoverished bed. Additionally: PWND.
Nate and the mom sneak off to make out in a hallway while Serena washes Dan's jacket, which is actually her dead grandpa's jacket. Without the jacket, Dan is basically dressed the way I expected Chuck to dress for this event (like a gay French person from 1918). He tells Serena that he still loves her, and she's like, "Oh, clothes, distraction, the 70s were horrible," and Dan, hoping to vicariously taste Nate's sex mom spit, makes out with her face. Serena's grandma watches from the shadows like the fake-cancer-riddled pederast I've always suspected her to be.
James whines about Blair not liking him. Simultaneously, Chuck gets a call from his PI. James then reveals that he was also using Blair Because he is secretly a British Lord! In a rarely-used-anymore Prince & Pauper scheme, he was pretending to be a rich American because he was tired of girls only being interested in him for his title. Proving definitively that she would never do such a thing, Blair becomes like 25,000 times more interested in James after he reveals that he is foreign aristocracy. His accent sounds really horrible and fake, but I can't figure out if that's bad acting or if it means that he's lying about that, too, and that he's really just poor. Potentially both.
Earlier in the night, Eric had used his powers as a van der Woodsen to introduce Jenny to some fashion designer in front of her bitchy biracial boss. Before the bitchy biracial boss leaves, she approaches Jenny and benevolently allows her to keep her job at the Waldorf Dress Designing Factory, despite the fact that Jenny 1) designed the ugliest dress in the world, and 2) went to a party.
Chuck tries to use his love to convince Blair not to go home with James. Blair goes home with James anyway because she's afraid of how much like Chuck she really is. Plus he still smells like ethnic triplets. Meanwhile, Nate's sex mom hands him a napkin with a hotel room and meeting time written on it. She must really hate her husband if she's willing to cheat on him with a 17-year-old who wears pajamas to a fancy party.
Also meanwhile, Dan sits in his Chuck Bass tank top near a small fire on the beach and writes his Serena story in a little leather notebook. This could easily be taking place in 1918, legitimately. Are we now to believe that Dan is too poor to afford a laptop, basic electricity, or a more conservative shirt? Serena appears and they cuddle and watch fireworks. Back at the party, Chuck drinks scotch and broods.
Next week: More rich people attending social events and presumably continuing to use each other to get what they want! Also poor people probably doing the same thing!