Is this show fond of the punny episode titles or what? I imagine Gossip Girl writes each one herself. She loves puns.
It's the morning after the last episode ended, and Dan and Serena wake up on the beach. Over the course of the night, elves have apparently woven cloth and made Dan a shirt, because he's wearing one now, and Serena put on her dead grandpa's jacket to cover herself up. Rather than putting back on her dress. Because they totally had Sex On the Beach last night. Although neither necessarily wants to "get back together" in a Facebook relationship sense, they both have morning wood and they make out a lot before Serena finally runs away, presumably to go wash the caked mixture of sand and Dan's semen from her inner thighs.
Blair and the Lord formerly known as James ride bikes to a restaurant and joke about his royalty. Does the aristocracy really prefer to bicycle to breakfast? Once at the restaurant, Blair tries to get Lord Marcus to invite her to meet his parents, but he won't, so she immediately jumps up from the table and runs outside to call Serena. In addition to being dressed as a clown on its day off, Blair is pretty funny in this scene. She expresses her distress over the fact that Marcus seems intent upon keeping her away from his royal parents and that he may just consider her a fling, and Serena is all, "What of it? You've known this guy for like 25 minutes," and Blair insists that she "very much" loves Marcus. What a card that girl is. While she's on the phone, Chuck sneaks into the restaurant and invites Marcus to play squash with him. Blair knows that Chuck is evil and immediately pulls him away from Marcus, but not before the two gentlemen have solidified their bond of BFF. Blair provides evidence in support of the fact that she may be Gossip "I <3 Puns" Girl by calling Chuck a "Basshole" and then promptly bouncing him from the restaurant. Before eating some yogurt or something, she convinces Lord Marcus to give her a ride back to the city, thus ascertaining that he will not be able to ditch her for the fall.
Serena arrives at the train station only to find Dan, although apparently earlier they had agreed to take separate forms of public transportation home (Serena is rich. Why doesn't her chauffer drive her back in their Rolls Royce?), because according to Dan and Serena, unless two people are officially in a committed romantic relationship with one another, it is against the law for them to travel in the same vehicle.
And this is ridiculous. They can't even have a conversation about traveling on the same train without grabbing at each other's crotches, that's how horny they are. Hijinks ensue on the train, where they decided to sit across the aisle from each other. While handing Dan a magazine, Serena totally Hannibal Lechters his finger. Later, she eats a strawberry as if she were the love interest in a sexy music video, and then on her way to the bathroom she falls into Dan's lap. Despite having been impaled by his hard on, Serena bounces back up and pulls Dan to the train bathroom, where, one assumes, they get down to buisness. Oh, smart: First a beach outside a hotel and now the bathroom of a train. Are they participating in a venereal disease scavenger hunt of some sort?
Blair skips happily out of a small shop with a bottle of champagne, because I guess once you get past a certain income tax bracket, state alcohol laws don't apply to you anymore. She gets in Marcus' Lordmobile and spends the trip home foiling his plans to have dinner with the Duchess by throwing a party. Which is a relief; I was worried for a second when I didn't see any feasible reason for a party to happen this episode.
Nate tells his mom he's leaving the early so he can go to the city and pork his sex mom. She's like, "Ummmm PS the FBI or whatever is at our house, so. We're poor. :(" and he's like "WTF WOMAN?!?!?" and backhands her, and she drops her gardening shears and cries. Not really, but he should have, because their entire family hates her and it's going to suck to be poor. Then he rides home with Chuck and pretends like nothing's wrong. They basically just giggle a lot about Chuck's elaborate plan to assassinate Blair and then have sex with her body. They are so in love again.
Rufus is back from his rock n' roll star tour, and he has sort of a weird vibe now. The way he treats Vanessa seems kind of creepy to me. It's like when Chef came back from the Super Adventure Club, like, Vanessa will be all, "I used my poor person MacGuyver skills to turn this storage space into a coffee shop, Rufus," and he's like, "Great job, Vanessa! I wannna make love to your earhole." Just kind of weird. Also he misses being a rockstar, and if you close your eyes when he talks, he sounds sort of like Patrick Duffy.
Nate gets home and yells at the FBI agent but good. The FBI agent is like, "Just tell us where your dad is," and Nate's like, "NEVER!" and he just unleashes machine gun fire on like 8 agents, who are sent flying back into the walls at various angles, and the main FBI agent is like, "Well, I spent a lot of time in your mom's closet, so expect her to get pregnant the next time she puts on a pair of panties. Have a nice day, kid." Then Nate calls someone (Catherine, presumably, since she's his replacement mom), and is like, "Wah. I need to talk. I'm a giant pussy."
Chuck plays raquetball with the Lord. The Lord says unto Chuck, "I'm worried about Blair meeting my stepmom [The Duchess], because my stepmom, like the royal stepmom in every fairy tale (because, you see, I am royalty), is a heinous bitch, and she'll drive Blair away, and I don't want that to happen, because I want to continue to tap Blair's ass." Chuck says unto the Lord, "I know, right? Blair's ass is totally great for tapping." Then Chuck pretends that something is wrong with the Lord's phone, so the Lord gives Chuck His home number and Chuck plots to overthrow the Lord like so much Satan.
Party Planning! I hope they put "Crazy" on the playlist. Blair tells Serena to invite Dan because Dan is the only person she knows who is self-important enough to pretend to be interested in soccer. And apparently Britons like soccer, and she wants to impress the Lord, so she's inviting Dan. However, she tells Serena that under no circumstances is she to even consider getting back together with Dan. She's pretty much like, "Dan sucks, and you suck when you're with Dan. Please never date him again so that you can continue to not suck and thus improve my quality of life," and Serena is like, "But I'm soooo horrrrnnnnyyyy," and Blair's like, "SERIOUSLY WTF?!?!" Anyway, this scheme to talk about soccer necessitates Serena calling Dan, which is supposed to be awkward, because you can't call someone unless you're in a committed romantic relationship with them.
Like he always does, Dan tells Serena that, on second thought, he decided he was way too good for her after all, and they should probably never see each other again. This is understandable behavior from normal people who hook up with their exes just so they can know that they were the last person to penetrate them. From Dan, whose motivations are far less primitive, we can recognize this as a cheap plot device for his autoblography. She convinces him to come to the party even though he has vowed never to see her again, and he's like, "I guess our unnecessary and self-inflicted social abstinence can begin tomorrow."
Nate goes to Chuck's hotel room because he wants to whine to someone about the FBI being in his house, but Chuck tells him to fuck off. At first Nate thinks Chuck has a girl there, and is all like, "Wow your fidelity to Blair lasted about 8 seconds," but Chuck tells him it's "business." He claims to be selling his shares of Victrola (which is a gay burlesque club he convinced his dad to buy last season) so that he can spend money as wildly as the Lord doth, to impress Blair. Nate is like, "That is straight up retarded, but whatever," and leaves. Then Chuck goes back over to his squirrely little broker and is like, "How long will this take? MRS. ARCHIBALD!!! (crash zoom, stares pointedly into camera, twirls mustache) would like the money as soon as possible." DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!!!
Having been put out on the street by Chuck, Nate finds his way to Rufus' coffee shop, which is naturally a sort of mecca for poor people. He talks to Vanessa about his problems and she is clearly very much in love with him, but unfortunately cannot dress herself. He admits to knowing where is dad is, and she makes jokes about how she and her sister are the poorest people in the world, and Nate is like, "Gah, shut up, you're depressing me with your poverty," and is luckily saved when his mom calls to tell him that she fixed her money problems. Nate is like, "What." Proving definitively that she would be the worst trial witness ever, Nate's mom lasts all of 15 seconds before spilling the beans that Chuck is the one who loaned her money. Nate's response is to go thank Chuck for being a good friend by jacking his face.
Chuck meets with the Duchess, who is also Nate's sex mom, in case I forgot to mention that. They plot the most evil thing they can think of: crashing Blair's party!
Speaking of which The party looks totally lame. It's on a roof somewhere and a floutist and a harpist are playing classical music, Blair is wearing a giant bow on her boobs, Dan shows up dressed like a Newsie. Usual UES fare. Then Chuck appears with the Duchess, and Blair makes a crack about her Botox, then she finds out that she just made a Botox joke at the Duchess' expense, so she's like "WAAAH!" Then Nate shows up and is like, "MY SEX MOM!" and she's like "NATE!" and Chuck and Blair and James are like, "How do you guys know each other?" and Serena's like, "BOOK CLUB! DEFINITELY NOT SEX!" and she explains to the Duchess and to Nate that the Duchess is Blair's BF's mom, and that Nate is the Lord's GF's ex. And then Gossip Girl is like, "Wait, Nate was in Book Club?!"
A Mac commercial comes on in which PC is depicted as an adorable, delicious pizza. It's almost like they're advertising against themselves.
Blair mopes because the Duchess hates her and is trying to foil her plans of marrying the Lord. Nate tells Chuck that he shouldn't have given his mom money behind his back, and Chuck is like, "Seriously? You're in really serious trouble," and Nate is like, "I'LL DO IT MYSELF! You don't know what it's like to be poor," and runs away. I miss the old Nate, who got prostituted to solve his family's problems. This new Nate is a lot like Dan. That's the danger of hanging out with Vanessa for even half an hour.
Serena forces Dan to make out with her face in the elevator. They are gross. Catherine takes Nate into the library and he tells her all his problems. She offers to help him financially if he will prostitute himself to her! Yay, old Nate's back! Obviously he agrees to this, and as they're going at it, Blair comes to the library looking for the Duchess, in what would have been a probably futile effort to convince her that she's worthy of the Lord. Happily for her, she walks in and sees them engaging in loud making out and boob-touching, and is like, "Jackpot." Nate takes off, and the Duchess gets blackmailed into telling the Lord that he has her blessing to date Blair. Obviously, this makes Blair feel like she won some sort of ridiculously high-stakes battle, when all she really did was get lucky.
Rufus, still a little creepy, tells Vanessa that he really liked being on the road, and that he has an offer to go back on the road, and would she mind running their customerless cafe while he's off rocking? And she's like, "Definitely, I obviously refuse to be gainfully employed," and he's like, "Awesome." Then he goes home and looks at Jenny's fashion designs and at Dan's pretentious, hand-written journal full of one short story, and at a photo collage MADE OF ACTUAL PHOTOS (they are sooooo fucking poor), and he is so proud of his children for being "artistic" and doomed to a life of poverty, just like their old man, that he decides to stay in Brooklyn after all.
Blair tells Chuck that his plan to foil her plan was foiled by Nate's plan to have sex with the Duchess. She doesn't really tell him the Nate part, just that she and the Duchess are on good terms. This makes Chuck seethe with anger. He totally loves her so hard. It's really cute.
Nate calls Vanessa and cancels a date with her. She was sitting alone at a table in the cafe with some Chinese take out, because she is poor and super in love with him. Those are the worst two kinds of pathetic besides having diabeetus. It's good that Nate is spending less time with Vanessa and more time whoring himself. He accepts money from Catherine and stares out the window and is totally emo.
I am going to shoot myself in the foot if Dan keeps being a raging asshole for the rest of this series and if Serena keeps going for it. He's POOR. Jesus. Move on. Also he's writing a NOVEL. Also next week, Chuck date rapes Blair!