You can imagine how thrilled I was when I read the episode info and saw the title and realized that Morgan Freeman was going to be playing the part of Eleanor Waldorf. It's actually an apt title, because this episode was almost as action-packed as that movie. The action was just less literally explosive. Especially in Chuck's case.
It's 6 AM and already 14,000 degrees, because to live in NYC in the summer is essentially to live inside an Easy Bake Oven. Because she is an internet doctor as well as an unscrupulous yenta, Gossip Girl has tips to "beat the heat": 1) drink plenty of fluids (Chuck drinks Scotch in his darkened hotel room at 6 AM), 2) stay out of the sun (Jenny stumbles down a Manhattan street with her arms full of shit covered in silver lame), 3) avoid physical activity (Dan and Serena make out in what appears to a church doorway at 6 AM). Nobody ever listens to Gossip Girl
Except Blair and The Lord Our God Marcus, who assiduously avoid physical activity: They make out, and Blair is like, "We should probably f," and The Lord Our God Marcus is like, "Don't we have a party to plan?" and Blair's like, "We can be just like those people in Atonement! That was British and it involved sex!" and The Lord Our God Marcus says that Blair is "a delicate flower, nothing like that tart Keira Knightly." And it's true; look how differently they treat chairs:
Blair is like, "But seriously, let's bone," and The Lord Our God Marcus is all, "Oh dear, the tea will get cold!" because, if you'll recall, he's gay.
Jenny is still carrying around 65 metric tons of silver lame (I've seen Eleanor's designs before, and they ususally tend more toward Puritan than toward People from the Future, so what Jenny is going to do with all that stuff remains the show's greatest mystery), talking on the phone to Vanessa about how Vanessa totally likes Nate, but she's totally mad that he stood her up, but she's such an annoying cunt that she can't not talk to him for more than 14 hours, so should she call him? Even though he stood her up and is therefore horrible forever? It's actually a really good scene, because Vanessa is like, "Nate dealt with other rich people while I sat alone in the coffee shop that I built with mine own two ethnic hands! He is bad because he does not defer to me always!" and Jenny is like, "Chill, bitch. He's rich; he has shit to attend to. If you like him, stop pretending to be a feminist and just call him. Jesus," which is really good because Vanessa is poor and like Dan, and she responds to rich people by feeling righteous so she won't feel so worthless. And Jenny always hangs around rich people because she's learning their ways so that she won't be annoying like her brother and his stupid friend, so she can explain to Vanessa what a normal human being would do in this situation. This marks the first and probably last time that Jenny has ever been capable of dispensing sound advice. The she drops her phone and cries because her hands are too full of sexy robot hooker costumes to pick it up again.
The Duchess plays dress-up with Nate in Ralph Lauren and they talk about how his dad is in Dominica, and about how they have sex at least, like, 8 times a day. The Duchess runs off to find more things to dress Nate in, and he gets a call from Vanessa and is all, "OMG Vanessa, I'm so glad to hear from you," which is the opposite reaction anyone should have to a call from Vanessa. He asks her out, and she giggles because she has a huge crush on him, and then The Duchess comes back and is like, "Who was that?" and Nate's like, "My mom/date for this party tonight," and The Duchess is like, "You commoners and your parties."
Serena tries to convince Dan to go public with their relationship, since in the world Gossip Girl, they literally are celebrities, and he's all, "But it won't be sexy anymore if we aren't sneaking around! Duh!" Serena, because she isn't constantly trying to overdramatize situations for the benefit of her autoblography, is just like, "Duh yourself, obviously it will be completely fine and normal. We dated for like 100 months before," and Dan pretends to be okay with it, but only because he knows it will add more drama to his tome. They make out on the street and some rando girl takes a picture of them with her phone. It would be creepy to live in Gossip Girl World, where the paparazzi are disguised as 14-year-old girls.
Chuck is leading a girl out of his hotel room when he learns from Gossip Girl that "D&S r totes back 2ge her [also puns]." At the same time, Blair finds out and throws up, and Jenny screams at Dan and hugs him like he's Justin Timberlake. I think she likes when Dan and Serena are together not because she thinks that Dan likes Serena and she's happy for him, but because it means that her grasp on any kind of elite social status becomes slightly less tenuous. Rufus also congratulates him, but is also like, "Don't forget how poor we are, Dan. I hope you're thinking of your art. Have you two talked about everything? Shouldn't you be BROODING right now?"
I swear to The Lord Our God Marcus, Josh Schwartz invented the idea that people in these situations would have anything, much less "everything," to "talk about." The same shit happened on The OC all the time, where two characters would have some shit going down between them, and instead of screaming at each other like normal people, they'd just repress it to avoid the confrontation. I understand that this is necessary for the drama of television, but I wish that in this show it didn't also have to be such an obvious machination of Dan's for the purpose of furthering his literary spank bank.
Anyway, Blair is asking Serena the same thing, but I think that in her case it's because she legitimately hates Dan. They're sort of planning the party, and Serena asks Blair how things are with The Lord Our God Marcus, and she says that they're good, except for the fact that he's gay and British and making her hysterical from lack of orgasms, and Serena is like, "Aren't you going to ask me how things are with Dan, because I know that you know that we're together, because everyone knows," and Blair is like, "I hate Dan. Deal with it. Deal with it by dating an aristocrat instead." Then she tries to say that the motivation for her hatred is the fact that Dan and Serena have yet to "talk about everything," but we all know it's just because Dan's a worthless piece of poop.
Nate and Vanessa miscegenate down the street somewhere on the UES. He promises to hang out with her more often and to not cancel plans, and she's like, "Good, bring me lunch tomorrow," and he's like, "I'm busy then," and she's like, "I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER CANCEL PLANS YOU LIAR!!!" and he's like, "WTF take it easy." Because Nate and Vanessa are the new Serena and Dan, he gives in to her illogical poor person complaining and agrees to eschew his other responsibilities (of fucking a rich lady so his family won't starve) to bring Vanessa lunch at the cafe. Which is, if I'm not mistaken re: the purpose of a cafe, the very sort of establishment that should be serving lunchtime refreshment.
The Duchess sees them, and she calls Blair to see what's the haps, and Blair is like, "F'ing SICK, that girl is poor!" and schemes to use this information to her advantage somehow. Hopefully she'll put Vanessa on one boat and The Duchess on another and give each the detonator to a bomb in the hull of the other's boat.
Struck by the sudden notion that he'd rather stick his weiner in a poor girl's vag than a Duchess', Nate goes to Chuck and asks to maybe get that couple million dollars after all. Chuck is like, "Too late, I used it to buy a unicorn ranch," and Nate's like, "Oh that's cool, dude. I guess I'll just stay a whore. Wah wahhh." He leaves as Chuck greets a fugly Japanese stewardess.
Jenny is in the Waldorf Dress Designing Factory, pinning shit on a model and being assigned bathroom duty. She thinks the dress is stupid looking, and while it is (total Thanksgiving Day Pageant costume), it's less stupid looking than it would be if it were made of all the nickel-plated silk she was carting around earlier. She tells Laurel that the dress is dumb, and Laurel is like, "Seriously, shut the hell up, poor white girl."
Serena complains to Dan about the way Blair is suggesting that they stop making out for long enough to talk about the fact that Dan is a raging tool. Dan is wearing a vest, obviously, because he's too poor to afford a whole suit. Serena gets a call from Lily, who's apparently in Shanghai buying Chinese slaves, and Dan takes the opportunity to be accosted by three hideous little girls who discuss their disparate perspectives on his and Serena's relationship status. They talk about the show the same way that fans do, and it's half Greek Chorus, half Josh Schwartz reminding us how meta he loves to get in Season 2. Serena comes back over and is like, "WTF? Leave plz," and she and Dan avoid talking to each other some more.
Nate is hanging out with Vanessa in Phillip Pirrip's House of Coffee. He made good on his promise, but is getting texts from The Duchess all "Where the F are you??!??!?!?" Oh Nate, you do walk the line. Blair shows up and puts her evil scheme into action by inviting Vanessa to the party so that Nate will be distracted by her and not hang out with the Duchess, whom she immediately calls to tell on Vanessa and Nate. I guess Blair just doesn't want them to be involved on principle, but it might also be that she hates The Duchess. I can't tell.
Serena ribs Chuck about having boned the entire cast of Kill Bill, and he reveals that he, Chuck Bass, cannot get it up because he's still not over Blair. Serena thinks this is cute/gross, and he decides to rape Blair while making a lame "romantic bone" impotence joke.
Eleanor returns from France to overhear Jenny smack-talking her designs. She fires her on the spot, and Jenny is like, "But this is my dream! And I'm poor!"
The Lord Our God Marcus runs into Nate on the street and tells him that The Duchess will be at the party. Nate promptly cancels on Vanessa, just like he promised he wouldn't. She gets the voicemail and is way bummed, but Rufus, ever the Humphrey, is like, "Why don't you just completely ignore good manners and show up anyway?" and she's like, "Old man, you read my mind." Also they are totally going to fuck at some point. That would make Dan's head explode like so much hospital.
Blair brags about The Lord Our God Marcus to Nelly Yuki and that one other girl. Then Chuck comes over to rape her. Blair lies and says that she has good sex with The Lord Our God Marcus, and Chuck proceeds to rape her all over her neck, and she's totally enjoying it, and it's definitely pretty hot, but then, rape always is. She eventually pushes him away, denying herself pleasure as practice at being British.
Also practicing being British are Dan and Serena, who discuss the conditions of the roads and weather before getting stuck in an elevator together.
Nate tries to buy his freedom from sex slavery, but The Duchess is having none of it. Vanessa walks into the party and sees them holding hands, which really is pretty foolish of them, because all the non-poor people in the room could also see it. She reacts exactly the same way Dan did when he saw Serena making out with Nate a couple of episodes ago, and then the lights go out. Someone better get the shit murdered out of him.
Blair has given everyone a taper candle so that her party will more closely resemble a production of The Phantom of the Opera. Vanessa yells at Nate for being rich, and when he's honest with her about how much sex he has inside The Duchess every day, she's just like, "Cool gig, Sonny. Tell me how you got so poor."
Blair tells The Duchess that she should just give up on Nate, because Nate likes Vanessa, and The Duchess is like, "Listen, honey. British people are all gay. Given the choice between never having sex again and stepping out with a poor person? I'll step out with the poor person." And Blair is like, "Oh man, I should have let Chuck rape me more thoroughly."
Serena and Dan are stuck in the elevator, and Dan calls the front desk on the emergency phone, and they're like, "Tough shit, kid, the power's out everywhere." Then Serena suggests that he call back and tell them that he's with her, because she lives in the building, and he's like, "Serena, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," and then he calls and they're like, "Oh, Serena? We'll send someone right away." Take THAT, poor person!
Nate promises Vanessa that he wants to be with her. They mope, and then the Joker comes in and is like,
and Vanessa tells Nate that he should end it with The Duchess. I tell Vanessa that she should suck my dick, but she never does.
Blair tries to have sex with The Lord Our God Marcus, and he's like, "No, but you see, I'm British." She tells him to meet him in her room and goes upstairs, which of course means that Chuck is going to R her immediately. Meanwhile, The Duchess threatens to murder Vanessa, who promptly tells Nate not to end it with The Duchess after all, and takes off.
Chuck shows up in Blair's room. He tells her to blow out the candle and then proceeds to rape her. Biblical.
Over in the Waldrof Dress Designing Factory, Eleanor decides that Jenny is helpful after all, mostly because she is only 16. Then Rufus shows up with a date, who looks a lot like Vanessa, and Rufus is like, "Haha I made her walk all the way from the Village" and Eleanor is like, "Jenny, WTF are these poor people doing here? Send them to get us sandwiches."
Elsewhere, Dan and Serena are trapped in the elevator. The power is still out at this point, and I guess because Dan ran out of poems to read her, they decide to "talk" about "everything." This still consists of approximately two lines of dialogue each, and it goes a little something like this:
Serena: You hate me for being me, and that's not fair. I can't change who I am (a rich person).
Dan: Nor can I change the fact that I am a huge douche. Oh God, why is being a teenager so hard?!
Serena: I love you, but I guess we have to break up because you refuse to ever change, you fucking idiot.
Dan: Yeah, I guess this is pretty dramatic. I wish this could have worked out. Unfortunately, we're just from two different worlds.
Me: I will kill you so hard, so many times, Dan Humphrey.
The lights come back on at Blair's just as The Lord Our God Marcus walks in on Chuck preparing to rape her. Blair's all, "It was a Dark Night! He totally Labaned me into thinking he was you! I was tricked!" and Chuck's face is like, "WHAT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER?!" and The Lord Our God Marcus is like, "Blair, seriously, you knew it was him," and she's like, "Yeah, I did, but I want to bone! You have to bone me!" and he's like, "Gah, fine!" and kisses her with a slightly larger amount of feigned interest.
The Duchess gives Nate a hotel key. He should just send Chuck over to rape her, except that it might not work. Chuck is still impotent without Blair.
Aaaaand Dan and Vanessa stand on a balcony and talk about their solidarity and being poor, and Vanessa explains that she relinquished Nate to The Duchess because The Duchess threatened to tell the FBI where Date's dad if he broke up with her. Dan admits, "Oh snap," and then creepily puts her arm around her shoulders while Gossip Girl is all, "Dan, Vanessa just wants to be friends."
I'm pretty glad that Dan and Serena broke up again for no reason. Even in the weird reality of Gossip Girl, it makes no sense for two people who love each other to not be together. Unless, of course, one of them is hell bent on manufacturing drama so that he can write short stories to one day adapt into an autobiopic. I hate that kid so much. Also I missed the previews. I assume that next week Chuck will continue to try to rape Blair and The Duchess will continue to succeed at raping Nate.