Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
September 16, 2008
More fun than a barrel of monkeys struggling to breathe.
Honest Crotch Grab
Whoa, is that your cell phone, or is your cube-shaped d*ck vibrating?
I know I'm dealing with an idiot when someone tells me "nothing rhymes with orange", because nothing and orange don't sound anything alike.
Darth Vader worst hide-and-go-seek player ever.
A smart Halloween costume for a poor person is a Jehovah's Witness.
All black people look alike: Handsome.
If that band Starship is so great, how come they were dumb enough to build an entire city on something as structurally unstable-sounding as "rock and roll?"
One of the most Unacceptable Ways to Buy Weed
With a credit card.
I've never been in an orgy, but I did bang a carny in a House of Mirrors. There were 87 of us.
Awkward Conversation Between New Roommates
: Should I get some of that spray on deodorant stuff?
: Nope. It's pretty gay if you "Axe" me.
: F*ck you.
: Oh, no. I didn't mean it like African-Americans say it.
: I'm gay.
-Patrick Christopher N.
My biggest fear has always been getting my head chopped off. My second biggest fear is not coordinating with my body afterward to fumble around reaching for my head while simultaneously gasping for air. My third biggest fear is clouds.
I recently walked in on my son smoking pot, and thought, "That's weird, I don't have any kids."
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