Having a successful job interview can be even harder than keeping the four people you've been sleeping with from learning about each other. But while lying to get laid is super fun, job interviews are a pain in the ass. In both situations, a good friend of yours will probably suggest that if you just tell the truth, everything will work out for the best.
Never take this advice. You're friend is a naïve idiot, telling the truth is f*cking stupid, and will never get you want you want. Here's what happened when I decided to cut the crap and tell the truth at a job interview. Be warned: The truth will set you free from employment and sex.
Interviewer Tell me about yourself.
Leah Hi my name is Leah and I'm an alcoholic Oh, sorry, old habits die hard. I'm not an alcoholic anymore. With the help of prayer and meditation I've thrown that monkey off of my back.
Now, I just smoke weed. Copious amounts of weed. In fact, I'm high right now. It helps make boring people fun. Even you seem interesting to me right now.
There's not going to be a drug test for this job, is there? I can pass it. I'll just have to tape a condom filled with my friend's piss to my leg. It'll be a pain in the ass, but I can do it if you really need me too.
Why did you leave your last job?
My manager was a sexist asshole. He didn't respect me because I'm a woman. I'm a very devout feminist, you know. I even stopped shaving my legs to make a point about how society tries to turn women into little girls.
Actually, to be completely honest, I just really hate shaving my legs. It's a pain in the ass.
Anyway, it's important to me to be treated with respect even though I'm female and have huge boobs. I mean, I know my boobs are really big and awesome but that shouldn't make it so men treat me any differently. It's just not fair to my gender and it diminishes me as a person to always get free things and have people go out of their way to help me and be nice to me. I demand to be treated with the same respect as a man or an ugly chick.
What do you feel is your greatest strength?
My legs. I can do a ton of squats without breaking a sweat.
What do you feel is your greatest weakness?
I have a thing for guys in power. If someone is my boss and has control over me, I can't resist. I hope that doesn't interfere with me being hired. I'm really great at all kinds of jobs and I'm willing to go down I mean, I'm down for anything. I hope you're up for anything
And ice cream. I also like ice cream.
Describe a time when you held a leadership position. What was the outcome?
Well this is a pretty awesome story actually. Last Sunday, my friends and I wanted to get really, black-out, stupid drunk but all of the stores had already closed and we couldn't get any booze.
Everyone was about to give up, get high, and watch South Park, but I took a stand and said, "Not tonight! I am on a diet and munching out on ramen noodles and chocolate ice cream for the next three hours is not going to help my ass get perkier! We are going out boozing!"
To make a long story short we not only got obliterated drunk, but there were some strippers, pills, and lots of dancing involved. It's pretty safe to say that the outcome was that I am awesome.
Can you describe a time where you have been required to perform as part of a team? What part did you play in the team and what was the outcome of the exercise?
I don't work with other people. They just slow me down. F*ck um. Team sports and events are just a group of weak people leaning on each other to become slightly less useless. It's really pathetic actually. We all do NOT need somebody to lean on.
Alright, that's it. Thanks for your time and we'll be in touch.
I'm sure you will be. You'd be an idiot to pass this up. Peace out.