As I enter this, my sixth year in college (or as I like to refer to it: "the scenic route" or as my father likes to refer to it: "wait, the government is still giving you money?"), I've come to the harsh realization that it's about time I start getting my life together. And with this realization in mind, I decided to compile a list of 10 goals I hope to accomplish over the course of the next school year. I'd like to share those goals with you now:
1.) Stop going to bars and telling guys that there's an after-party in my pants just to get them to buy me beer. And then, after they buy me the beer and attempt to strike up a conversation by asking me what I do, stop telling them I work at the pound and that I'm the one who puts the puppies to sleep that no one wants. All the while smiling, just so they'll leave me alone.
2.) No longer rely on my sole backup plan for passing my classes, which is currently "sleep with professor."
3.) Don't keep telling my friends that I've recently become a lesbian after a reality wake-up call from my third stint in rehab after I drunkenly ran over my personal assistant in an effort to make my life seem more interesting. I'm pretty sure they're catching on to the fact that none of that actually happened to me, but rather Lindsay Lohan.
4.) Get all of my books for class. Open all of my books for class. Read all of my books from class. Retain the information from all of my books for class. Apply the information from all of my books from class.
5.) Stop googling "Britney Spears" and "crotch shots" in my free time.
6.) Finally use the encouragement and words of advice from my English professor on my writing potential and pen that erotic romance novel I've been meaning to write.
7.) Stop donating my plasma for beer money. Start donating my plasma for wine moneyit'll make me seem more sophisticated.
8.) Spend less time at the gym. I think the people who work there are beginning to realize the real reason why I spend so much time on the stationary bike and my tumultuous relationship with the bicycle seat. And why I sometimes have to smoke a cigarette afterwards.
9.) No longer write incredibly explicit details about my personal life and put them onto public websites.
10.) End world hunger.