Best episode in a while. I don't want to say that Gossip Girl is heating up just yet, but Gossip Girl is heating up.
It's the first day of school at Constance Billiard/St. Jude's, and (surprise surprise) nobody wants to go! Kids hate school. Lily is back from Taiwan or Fiji or wherever, but Bart is still in Asia "on business" (banging that Japanese chick from last episode). Here's how much Serena doesn't want to face Dan: She would rather stay home and listen to Lily tell sex stories than go to school. Maybe if Lily were having sex with Chuck, I would want to hear those stories. Maybe. (Chuck mentions something about Serena reclaiming her title as Official Queen of UES Girls Aged 14-17 Years, but nobody pays attention because Eric distracts them with rumors of a champagne-filled limousine.)
In the ghetto, Rufus and Dan act like idiots, and Dan proves that he and Serena had at least one thing in common by asking Rufus for graphic details of his night with 30-year-old Vanessa. Rufus is like, "Not in front of your sister," and Dan is like, "But what will I write in my novel, if not my father's sexual escapades?!" Jenny wants to stay home from school because she is worried that Blair will turn her skin into lampshades and her fat into soap, and Rufus is like, "That has never happened to anyone in the history of Europe. Go to school."
At school, Blair sorts through files and interviews girls to be, per Jenny, either "projects" or "victims." Projects, like Jenny last year, are nurtured and humiliated by Blair's posse with the hope of eventually becoming one of them. Victims are sent to the Waldorf Dress Designing Factory to sew buttons onto blouses BUTTONS MADE OF OTHER VICTIMS!!!