One-night stands are a common occurrence in a single person's life. But what people aren't aware of is, a one-night stand is supposed to be just that – one night. Not one night and then a series of phone calls or drive-bys wondering if the other person wants to carry on a needless relationship built upon the foundation of cheap beer and too much eye make-up allowing the one night to carry on for three weeks.

This in itself should stop one-night stands altogether. But since there will always be single people out there looking to have sex, one-night stands will drag on long after President Bush realizes that there is no "u" in the word terror (turr).

So whether you're afraid of unwanted correspondences from the other person which forces you to change your number or even your identity, one must think first about having a one-night stand.

But being that it is a one-night stand, how much time does a person really have to think about this? Not much. It's not like a person plans on having a one-night stand. That's called a date. For a one-night stand, people just go out to bars, look for the cheapest person out there (HINT: For you guys, it's usually the woman wearing hardly any clothing and drinking nasty draft beer. For you girls, it's usually EVERY guy at the bar.)

Thankfully, you don't have to think about it too much. That's because I've graciously compiled a Top 10 list that you can print out and carry with you before you hit the club.

10. Never exchange phone numbers. This will only give either party temptation to call. If you must, make one up.

9. Never exchange last names. This will only give either party to look the other up in the phone book. If you must, make one up.

8. Always give a fake first name. Try Joe or Bill or even Larry. Unless of course your name is Joe, Bill or Larry. Then try Mike, Tony or Gunnard.

7. Never go back to either person's house – Use a car, a picnic bench, or a stranger's bed.

6. Never say where either person works. This will only give either party accessibility to call the office and describe the other person. If you must, make something up.

5. Don't introduce any friends. Tell the other person you're a loner or you have a clubfoot. Something so hideous that people would not want to hang out with you, but not so hideous that a woman or man wouldn't, at least, want to have sex with you.

4. The bar or club the two of you meet at, say that you never, ever go there to hang out. Lie by saying, "I thought this was a skate park." Then look surprised.

3. Always meet at the place you're going to hook up at, such as a stranger's bed. Just say something like, "How about the house on 45th and Main?" If the sex occurs at one of the parties' house, it will only subject that person to drive-bys and needless and unwanted pop ins.

2. Don't use any usual sex moves. Be innovative because if the time comes when you have to defend yourself, you can easily say, "I've never taken it up the ass." Even though, in private, you have been known to jam gerbils up there.

1. If you absolutely have to give your phone number out because number ten didn't work, give your worst enemy's number out, like your ex-girlfriends new boyfriend's number, or the phone number to the clinic, or Olive Garden. The Olive Garden will treat you like family, as mentioned in its slogan. So if the other person feels the need to call, someone at the Olive Garden who wishes to treat you like family can say, "Quit being a slut. I'm telling you because I care."

Using this Top 10 list will certainly end the unwanted phone calls that begin with, "Hey, just seeing what you're doing tonight," and also the unbeknownst show-ups at the club you tend to hang out at. It will end the frustration of seeing that person and then quickly running into the bathroom only to find out that the window is too small to climb out of.

The reason this Top 10 list will work is because after the other person has exhausted every effort to look for you, he or she will either A) kill him or herself, B) develop some sort of eating disorder forcing him or her to enter into a clinic, or C) trick some other hopeless sap into sleeping with him or her. Hopefully, the answer is C. And if this is the case, be sure to find that person and give him or her this list.


Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online magazine. Visit Zoiks! at //