Free for all! Entertaining for none!

I hate when people tell me a book is a real page turner. I know how books work.
-Steve Schrader
I've always fancied myself as a sort of "Renaissance Man", in that my lack of hygiene and sanitation knowledge has caused the death of almost every single member of my family by way of plague.
-Conor McKeon
Adding 10 vitamins & minerals to Lucky Charms is like putting a bouncy castle in Nazi Germany.
-Dan Gurewitch
Bob Dylan hosts Jeopardy!
Dylan: The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
Contestant: What is my kite?
-Tim Afterban
I find it odd that people refer to sex as "the birds and the bees," because I talk about birds AND bees more than anyone, yet somehow I'm still a virgin.
-Patrick Cassels
I may not know anything about "the election" or "english" but denk de appel gaatwinnen. Dan he' ll ben onze eerste minister of iets! lol.
-Amir Blumenfeld
Dimensions in which that shirt looks good on you
-The Bizarro Dimension
-The It's-Always-Opposite-Day Dimension
-The All-Shirts-Look-Awesome-On-Everyone Dimension
-The No-One-Has-Eyeballs-And-So-Your-Guess-Is-As-Good-As-Mine Dimension
-Specifically Not This Dimension
-Owen Parsons
Last winter I was climbing Mt. Everest and explaining to one of my friends that I was magic and could make things happen just by saying them. He didn't believe me, so I yelled "avalanche!"
-Kevin Corrigan
irony
I think it's funny that 99% of the people who use the phrase, "Monkey see, monkey do" have heard it from someone before using it.
-Gabriel Prosser
Conservative saying
Big carbon footprint, big meat
-Tom Sunnergren
Thoughts on the VP selections
Is it wrong that I have dirty sexual thoughts about a VP candidate? You know, Cause I really want to fuck Joe Biden.
-Sam Wagner