*Please note: The title of this hopefully reoccuring feature, "Put this on your homepage or I'll kill you," is not meant to be a direct-threat against anyone, as I have no plans of killing another human being regardless of the placement of this article. That is, unless you don't put it on your homepage. In that case, I will kill you. It's all very complicated. Happy reading!

Volume 1: The Caribou Coffee Trivia Question

This morning, I made a trip to my local Caribou Coffee before work, where I ordered my usual beverage of choice – a large vanilla cooler, with extra whipped cream (extra whipped cream = extra excellent).

While completing my transaction I glanced up at the chalkboard above the register which contained a witty, thought provoking trivia question. Apparently this is not a new development for frequent Caribou customers, but it was the first time I had ever noticed this feature.

The question for today read:

Who played the part of Chas Osborn in the 1986 Rodney Dangerfield classic, Back to School?

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I am not the most worldly knowledgable man. But if there is one thing that I know – it's Willaim Zabka films.

If you've never heard of William Zabka (or "Zabka" as I like to call him), you should probably put a bullet in your head.

Seriously. Fucking kill yourself.

But first, know that Zabka was the premier movie bully of the 1980's, playing virtually the same role in The Karate Kid, Just One of the Guys, and most importantly, Back to School.

Anyways, I looked at the chick behind the counter and said, "It's William Zabka."

She appeared confused, as I offered her no context for this statement. So I repeated myself.

"It's Zabka."

Again, no reaction.

Finally, after giving her a disgusted sigh I nodded my head towards the chalkboard.

"Oh! The trivia question! I get it."

"Good. Now then, the answer is Zabka. I would like my prize. Now. Please."

She scrunched her face for a moment while still staring at the board. I was confused as to why she was thinking so hard, when she should have instead been praising me for my incredible knowledge of movies from the 80's (and more importantly, movies starring Zabka). Then, in what may have been the most infuriating moment of my life, she turned to me and said, "Um, I don't think so."

Look, I don't condone the use of derogatory, sexist words, especially when it comes to someone I don't even know. But I must say that her comment was the cuntiest fucking cunt-coction in the long, illustrious history of cuntism.

Still, I tried to keep my cool.

"Nope, it's definitely Zabka. Now give me my prize. Bitch."

Probably could have kept my cool a little better.

The manager, who had been clearly listening in the entire time, immediately stepped in.

"Sir, that kind of language is totally out of line and inappropriate for Caribou Coffee," said the short, old bitch.

"Fine. But the fact remains that I got the trivia question correct. Now give me my 10 cents off," I asked, trying not to raise my voice.

"I'm sorry, but if she says you weren't correct, then you weren't correct," she said.

"IT'S FUCKING ZABKA!" I snapped. I was officially losing my shit in the middle of Caribou Coffee (or Cunt-ibou Coffee as I had mentally renamed it).

"Sir, you need to leave," she said, pointing towards the door.


Unfortunately, at that same moment a police officer wandered into the shop. All eyes were suddenly on me and I knew it was time to leave (without my Caribou Cooler, no less).

As I walked outside, I could overhear the cop placing his order.

"Hey, I think I know the trivia answer!" he said.

I paused, needing the gratification of hearing the Caribou-Cunt admit that the answer is Zabka.

"It was Johnny from The Karate Kid, right?"


"You got it!" the Cunt-ibou whore answered.

I couldn't hold it together. "That's fucking ZABKA!" I shouted as I ran into the parking lot.

Now, I'm not telling you this story to vent – I'm telling it to educate. If you live in Minneapolis, go to the Caribou Coffee at 920 West 78th Street in Chanhassen. Tell them that the answer is Zabka, and demand your prize.

Do it now. Remember, there's power in numbers people – and together, we can change the world.