Moderator: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here in a makeshift hut near the radiation-soaked remains of Washington, D.C. for the final 2008 Presidential Debate. I am joined by Senator Obama and Senator McCain. Welcome. Opening statements, gentlemen?

My opponent, Senator Obama, is still supporting "hope." As is clear, there is no hope left. He is completely out of touch.

Obama: With all due respect, Senator, there is some untapped hope left. I found a stale grain of rice a few days ago, and it has kept my family nourished for days.

McCain: Senator Obama is an elitist. While he was feasting on a grain of rice, what were the rest of us eating? That's right: each other. I had to eat Karl Rove this morning, and he was alive throughout most of it. Yet Senator Obama has voted against cannibalism no less than three times!

Obama: You're skewing the issue here, Senator McCain. I have consistently voted for providing lower-class Americans with enough semi-edible tree bark to sustain us. Meanwhile, you voted against a bill that would have given lower-class Americans – which is everyone, actually – umbrellas to protect them from stockbrokers who are throwing themselves off of skyscrapers.

Moderator: All right. Now that that's out of the way, we will move on to our first topic: what kind of foreign policy would you enact in office?

Obama: Well, if our phones start working again or if we find enough gas to transport people to other countries, I would begin a campaign of demanding food and supplies or other world leaders will face a challenge in the Thunderdome, where I will personally joust them.

McCain: Strange, I supported construction of a Thunderdome back in 1950…before you were even born! Senator Obama isn't bringing any new cards to the table. I would use the roving gangs of cannibals to loot any remaining settlements in Canada and Mexico and pay them with our nation's obese children – who, let's face it, will be the easiest to catch.

Moderator: All right, well, how will you deal with the current economic crisis?

McCain: Excuse me? Economic crisis?

Moderator: You're not familiar with our economic crisis?

McCain: Well, we don't really have an economy any more.

Obama: That's an incredibly out of touch view point, Senator. The economy has moved from a dollar-based economy to a tree bark-based economy. And the inflation rate for tree bark is absolutely out of control. We need to reduce the amount of tree bark we eat and start reinvesting in the burgeoning torn-up leather jacket market.

McCain: That's ridiculous. Investments in that market are shaky at best and could limit our food supply. You would be gambling with the future of all Americans.

Moderator: Moving onto our next topic: is there a future for America?

McCain: Absolutely not. We're screwed.

Obama: I disagree. We're totally screwed.

What would be your first act in office?

Find out who stole the Constitution during the looting of Washington D.C. and pray that they haven't eaten it already.

I hear Old Man Higgins has a bomb shelter with enough food to last him three months. I will personally ransack Old Man Higgins' food supply and give it to Americans.

Thank you, gentlemen. This has been the final 2008 Presidential Debate. Unfortunately, the total countrywide blackout means that this was not broadcast anywhere, and it made absolutely no difference. Don't forget to vote in November, assuming you can avoid the cannibals.