Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The Drunk Driver's Manual
October 7, 2008
If your bro is hellbent on
(transporting open beer cans), remind him of a few simple rules from the drunk driver's manual and there's a chance he won't go from taking a shot in his beer mug to getting his mugshot taken:
Don't drink and drive
If you do drink and drive, don't drink and drive on the wrong side of the road
Don't drink and drive with your lights off. Same with your pants
Don't drink and drive with your eyes closed. Do keep your doors closed
Don't drink and drive into stuff
: Don't drink and drive while ogling tits and ass
Don't get into a
, either. Like the Doors said in "Roadhouse Blues," keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel
Don't blow chunks on your windshield. Cars with green-tinted windows are way more likely to get pulled over
Don't hit the
-ve thru. Go for a Baconator at Wendy's and you're likely to get baconated by the cops when they see you smash into the "order here" speaker
Should you get baconated, don't take the opportunity to bust out some favorite lines like, "What seems to be the officer problem? Keep insisting that there's an officer problem and you'll also get to say, "Don't tase me, bro!"
Next time you're pounding bourbon in your Suburban, or having a little pick-me-up in your pickup truck, or getting bent in your Benz, these rules should help keep you on track. And that's on
, not on tracks. Railroad tracks are bumpy and driving on them might cause you to spill everyone's
Excerpted from Brocabulary: the New Manifesto of Dude Talk by Daniel Maurer Copyright
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