This week's episode: "The Prague Heist!"
I really hate swimming. Except when I'm drowning. Then I suddenly think its awesome.
Priceline Hostage NegotiatorGunman: If you don't get me a plane, I'm gonna start offin' hostages!
PHN: Don't worry, I got you your plane! Here's the ticket.
Gunman: You're charging me $99 for a coach seat on a commercial flight with a layover in Atlanta? You're awful at this.
From time to time I wish I could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict.
Academic research tipI developed this new research technique for when I have a paper to write on a historical figure: I Google the person's name, except I drop the last name and anagram the first. So for George Washington, I'd Google "eorgge". The only problem is it does not work at all.
The good news about modern prisons is they've replaced bars of soap in the showers with soap dispensers. The bad news is they've installed the dispensers two feet from the floor.
The man who loves everythingI hate everything paraplegics stand for.
People say smoking weed is bad because it makes you lazy, I say it just makes doing absolutely nothing that much more fun.
Do homeless people in Venice tread water?
Noah Webster unsuccessfully attempts to pick up an older woman"You know age is just a number baby indicating how old, in years, you are relative to me."
Redundancy? Redundancy is my middle name in between my first and last names.
Morning commuteI like to ride the train wearing my best suit, sit next to the prettiest girl I see, reach into my bag for a copy of The Wall Street Journal, turn to her and say, "What are stocks?"
My economics professor did the most classless thing in the world yesterday by canceling our lecture.
My friend Keenan and I went to lunch together at this really authentic '50s themed restaurant. But then they made us sit at separate counters.