Illustrated by Owen Parsons

Your "Best Friend"

Your "Best Friend" — not to be confused with your best friend — is kind of a tool. Nonetheless, you share a few common interests and usually work the same shift. He's overly friendly and easy to get along with. He's cool enough that he can appreciate your sense of humor, but can produce little funny of his own outside of quoting his favorite movies/comedians. He's tolerable when at work, but watch for inquiries about your weekend plans.

Sample Quote: "Somebody sh*t on the coats!"

The Goth Girl

The Goth Girl has been working there for three years and is currently attending community college. She has her eyebrows, chin, and nose pierced and plans to get a tattoo as soon as she saves up the money. While the two of you would probably never speak in any other walk of life, here you share a common bond — your hatred for the customer. She is the only one who hates them as much, if not more than you.

Distinguishable Actions: Rolling her eyes at customers

The Tough Guy

The Tough Guy was cool as hell in high school but too stupid to get into college. Despite being a 25-year-old manager at Wal-Mart, he still thinks he's awesome. His favorite things to talk about are how wasted he got last night and how bad he kicked so-and-so's ass. He has a gold cross that he somehow manages to wear with a straight face while telling you about all the high school girls he bangs. He has two tribal tattoos.

Sample Quote: "Bro, check out that MILF over there. I could TOTALLY hit that."

The "Hot" Girl

The "Hot" Girl is not actually hot, but rather, hot in comparison to the wildebeests that surround her. Although she garners little male attention outside the workplace, your co-workers will be falling over each other for her affection — a similar phenomenon to when men resort to gay sex in prison. She absolutely loves the attention and takes whatever chance she can to loudly exclaim her sexual misadventures. Despite being only 16, she has a 27-year-old boyfriend named Dirk who rides a motorcycle.

Sample Quote: "…and then I blew all three of them. OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT OUT LOUD!"

The Head Manager

The Head Manager has been working there for 30 years. He is divorced and has 3 kids, who he never sees. He has a giant bald spot, dyed black hair, and a beer belly. Although he has no friends, he chooses to isolate himself further by ruling his outlet with an iron fist. His deep-seeded emotional issues would probably benefit from positive human interaction, but his real-life inadequacies cause him to demand respect in the only place people are required to give him it — the electronics section at K-Mart.

Distinguishable Actions: Being a total dick