Why hello again, my eager young squires. I saw you sitting there – your mind impressionable, your eyes wide with innocence – and decided to take it upon myself to dispense more liquid knowledge from my brain-spigot. Now, we all know that a sparkling body is the first step towards success. Do you think Napoleon conquered half of Europe without taking a shower? You’re right, but that was a different time. Lend me your waxy ears and heed my advice.
1. Hair Maintenance. First and foremost, avoid the unibrow. Nothing good ever came from the prefix “uni.” Don’t believe me? Imagine the Unibomber in a unitard. The opposite goes for goatees and mustaches – if you can’t grow them completely, spare yourself the embarrassment. Would you try to drive a Porsche on three wheels? Of course you wouldn’t – unlike me, you don’t have a Porsche.
2. Body Maintenance. Have you ever walked by a person on the street or in a hallway, and then you’re left with their abhorrent stench for the next five seconds? No? Then that person is you. Deodorant and baby wipes may hide the issue in the merky depths of deception, but the truth will swim to the surface, like a righteous crusading walrus. Youth, bathe thyself. Use as many pre- and post-shower chemicals as possible. And don’t forget those hard-to-reach places, like the spaces between your toes and your self-respect.
3. Environment Maintenance. You know that your surroundings say a lot about you, and yet there is a half-eaten gordita in your pillowcase. It’s time to wise up. Research “feng shui,” the ancient art of arranging your furniture so you are always in a position of indisputable power over everyone that enters your space. And while you can’t take full responsibility for your roommate’s cleanliness, nobody has to know if you Febreze him in his sleep.
4. Change Your Clothes Every Hour. What’s the only thing that rich people and homeless people love equally? Change. I cannot stress this enough. Your sweat glands can produce up to thirty gallons of sweat every ten minutes. (Don’t question my research – look at this shelf full of books behind me. I have enough facts on that shelf to prove anything.) I personally plan up to fifteen outfits per day, and I have become so adept at changing that my peers hardly ever notice. I’ve changed twice since I started writing this article. Why haven’t you?
If you follow these simple steps to a more becoming appearance, your love life and social stature will thank you. Too bad you won’t be able to hear them from your sound-proof 46th floor corner office.
Thanks to Old Spice for making this important transfer of knowledge possible. For more advice from an experienced man, click here.