Some assembly suggested.

I almost hit a female deer on my way home last night. I guess she didn't like my cologne.
-Jed Grandmaison
Sarah Palin was right when she said her son with down syndrome is a gift from God, now she has a family member more intelligent and informed than she is.
-Eric Marin
Answers to questions you already know by listening to music
-How do you spell respect?
-War: what is it good for?
-If it's like this and like that and like that and uh, and then it's like that and like this and like that and uh, and then it's like this, than who gives a f*ck about those?
-Aidan K
I've always wondered why Ultimate Fighter title belts are so big. Most people I know don't brag about having received brain damage.
-Tomz McHeik
Do you think in China they celebrate Don't Bring Your Daughter to Work Day?
-Patrick Cassels
People that wear lanyards around their neck are wearing the gold medal for douchebaggery.
-Tanner Boyd
Turnabout is fair play
In the '60s and '70s, people used acid to make the world look different. Now today, people take Prozac to make it look normal.
-Joe Bonewitz
I think that if I were vampire I would floss a lot because there is no better way to get blood. Unless you're a girl… they have terrible gums.
-Justin Hansen
Roommates
you think that your college roommate is probably the worst you'll ever have. Then you go to prison…
-Matt Finn