by Max Lance, //www.thetripe.wordpress.com
I love watching the Tampa Bay Rays. Aside from being a Yankee fan watching the Rays beat down on the Sox, I also see myself as a future Rays fan. Being a stereotypical New York Jew not only means that I get all Jewy about finding deals and eating a lot of bagels, but it also means I'll probably end up moving to Florida and rooting for our boys in turquoise. It also means I'll probably be pretty racist some day, but both are a good 2-to-60 years away.
Late-inning one-out hit-and-runs in the playffs, swinging at 3-0 pitches, they're the most electrifying team to watch. I credit this to their manager Joe Maddon, and watching him I realized why he's taken baseball to a new level: He's the first hipster manager in the big leagues. Aside from the obvious hipster glasses, I present to you my proof that Joe Maddon is a Williamsburg, Brooklyn; Silver Lake, Los Angeles; Austin, Texas but only when he tries getting his band signed at SXSW bonafide hipster.
1. His team converted to Atheism
Never breaking fifty loses as the Devil Rays, American League champs as the Rays. In true hipster fashion, the Rays have taken the European model and sworn off Biblical connotations. They don't follow their parents' stodgy religious ways and by swearing them off, they've become interesting. Religious hipster is an oxymoron. Religious people are boring and never do anything with themselves, even if it is a little awkward for the Atheist Rays to go home for the holidays. Freeing up their Sundays has done wonders.
2. He wears tight pants
3. His name gets confused for John Madden.
This understandable confusion echoes a similar upheaval faced by a perennial hipster idolized film: Michael Bolton in Office Space. Can't you imagine B.J. Upton saying to Joe Maddon: "Why not change your name?" And Joe's like, "Why should I change it just 'cause that eff-face got famous? Screw him." The DVD sales will make Joe Maddon a cult figure on par with Mike Judge's feature work Office Space and Idiocracy, a story about future humans who have all become as retarded as TBS' commentators.
4. He loves math
5. He works nights
Games starting around seven allow maddon to keep the days open for his artistic pursuits. Waking up sometime around the crack of one in the afternoon keeps him refreshed to procrastinate the novel he's been outlining for the past seven years. If only he didn't have to slave away at his night job for "The man," he could focus and his creative genius would flourish. Notice that first pitches are usually around 7:05 or 7:18. This is because Maddon, like a true hipster, shows up a little late and blames it on the subway.
6. His team is one of the best while remaining one of the least popular
7. His team plays in St. Petersburg, but they're named for Tampa
Hipster hangouts pride themselves on a witty hard-to-locate name or location that makes looking them up in a phonebook impossible, especially when said bar doesn't even have a name, sign or address. They're the Tampa Bay Rays, but there's no city of Tampa Bay, just a bay, which borders Tampa, Clearwater, St. Petersburg, Pinellas Park and Gibsonton. So the Tampa Bay Rays play in St. Petersburg, nowhere close to the Tampa-based Bucs or Lightning, a team that plays in the St. Peterburg Times Arena
in Tampa. Awesome.
8. His home turf is an ugly convert