We're calling from inside the house.

I found a penny and got really happy because I knew that when I picked it up, I would have good luck for the rest of the day! It was 11:57 PM. Five minutes later a hobo spit on me. It was his hat I took the penny from.
-Josh D
Drug abuse
I never abuse drugs. I take great care of them. Like keep them in a plastic bag in a temperate climate.
-Ryan Devine
Time traveler from the future
—Your days are numbered. OH NO!!!
—Oh… I'm just talking about your calendar. These days. They're numbered. It's convenient. We just have weird symbols and stuff in my time.
—Oh… yeah. I guess it is convenient.
—Extremely. This way it's much easier to know that you have exactly 29 days until your galaxy explodes.
-Amir Blumenfeld

Eminem's autobiography
I lost myself in the music, the moment, I owned it. I never ever let it go, go. I only had one shot. I didn't miss my chance to flow. Those opportunities came once in a lifetime, yo.
-Kevin Corrigan
It's a shame that one of the 6 degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon wasn't talent.
-Matt Singer
The more I hear my friends talk about "whackin it" the more I think I'm doing it wrong.
-Zach Hendi
Personal ad
I like long walks on the beach, listening to music… BUT I FUCKING HATE MEDIUM-LENGTH WALKS ON THE BEACH!
-Ryan George
If tumbleweed blowing by is a sign of an unfunny joke, then Unforgiven must be the least funny movie ever made. Which is weird, 'cause when I watched it I couldn't stop laughing.
-Patrick Cassels
Something you'll hear at an athletics event and not a mathletics event
"We're going to win if we just give 110%"
-Conor McKeon
Our economy can't be that bad People have spent $52.5 million on Beverly Hills Chihuahua in two weeks.
-Matthew Kniffin