In the waning days of the 2008 campaign season, things look grim for Senator John McCain.
He's losing ground in the polls.
He's running out of words ending in "ist" to call Barack Obama.
He's getting outspent.
He's grasping for straws with this "Joe (insert occupation or bullshit phrase here)" rhetoric by stumping about Jo from The Facts of Life.
But, Senator McCain, don't fear the political reaper do fear the regular one, though. I have three, foolproof ways you can turn it around.
1. Get Chuck Norris:
Mike Huckabee had a good thing going. He had God and Chuck Norris on his side. That's an unstoppable duo right there, like Magic and Kareem or Simon and that other guy.
A. God and Chuck Norris both have beards. Or at least mustaches depending on when Chuck last filmed a Total Gym commercial.
B. Both possess incomprehensible power.
C. Both, with a wink, can kill a man, or impregnate a female.
D. Both strike fear in the hearts of men.
And fear mongering works. Ask Karl Rove. Chuck Norris is the ultimate fear-spreading machine, too. Just the sight of Chuck can create panic amongst the commoners. If McCain could get Chuck Norris to travel to crucial swing states and roundhouse kick in some strip malls and town squares, while wearing a "Vote McCain or Die" shirt, there is no doubt in my mind that voters would be swayed to McCain/Palin.
The gale-force winds created by Chuck's roundhouse kicking would finally open the sails of the campaign, propelling them to victory. They would also force the townspeople to board up their businesses and homes, like they were in a category-5 hurricane.
I would also advice McCain to get God on his side, but I think it's unlikely especially after the whole Able thing. Even though that happened a long, long time ago, God doesn't forget shit like that.
2. Chase Clinton Voters:
It may seem like McCain has already done this with his VP pick. But, there's a simpler, more effective way of garnering the support of Hilary Clinton voters.
Adopt the "Clap, clap, point, point, repeat" technique of political campaigning.
The pattern of clapping twice and then pointing at the audience using both hands was Clinton's go-to. Some think it was her healthcare plan, but those people are just overanalyzing the situation. The clapping and pointing has a powerful mesmerizing effect on voters, and McCain would be remised not to take full advantage. Doing the "Clap, clap, point, point, repeat" for the duration of a full 30-second commercial, or even a ten-second news clip would reactivate that clappy-pointy receptor in the brains of those moderate, swing voters, and give the election to McCain.
3. Three words: Palin Sex Tape
It's what any celebrity does as a last-ditch, Hail-Mary, desperate attempt at once again clawing their way out of the Sarlacc Pit of Total Irrelevancy.
And it would be a good albeit graphic way of showing the public there's at least one thing Sarah Palin is good at.