Face it: College is awesome. And like most awesome things, it's barreling towards an inevitable end. You've begrudgingly set up a few job interviews for yourself to ensure your post-college survival, but you can't go meet your potential employers in cargo shorts. You need a suit, job-boy, and pronto. What's that? Too expensive? Not anymore. This article is your handy guide to the basics of making your very own interview suit: so even the poorest college kid can look the part of the corporate sharpshooter.
Item 1) Undershirt/Boxers
Your first layer of clothing is also your first and only line of defense against the massive amount of sweating you're going to be doing at your interview. Without this layer of absorption, you will quickly appear wet and undesirable, so stock up on cottony undergarments to maintain a confident aura. Consider wrapping the items outlined in Fig. 1-1 around your underarms, for added sweat defense.
Item 2) Shirt
The shirt has two modes it can be left unbuttoned and open, like a jacket, or buttoned up to the collar, like a medieval strangling device. When crafting your own, note that only a small section of shirt is meant to be visible. With a stack of campus newspapers and third-grade art skills, you can use paper mache to make a false shirt collar capable of impressing any employer. Paint it white, blue, or leave it au naturale to keep a supply of reading material (and topical conversation starters) right under your nose.
Item 3) Tie
This item is sort of like a Colombian necktie, except with fabric. The necktie is your personal touch on the suit, the element that says the most about you (Fig. 3-2). The most important thing it says about you, however, is that you can afford to spend $60 on a clothing item with no practical purpose. Luckily, with just a pair of scissors, you can cut out your own fabric from your upholstered dorm furniture. Be careful not to accidentally cut out a bowtie for yourself, as bowties are strictly worn by political pundits and other types of clowns.
Item 4) Slacks
Four years of poor diet and steady partying have most likely left your metabolism in shambles, and your waistline unpredictable. Your weight will only continue to fluctuate as you spend your first months adjusting to the rigors of the working world, so how can you commit to a single pant size? You can't. Instead, grab those elastic gray sweatpants you've abandoned at the bottom of your closet. They'll make for a fine, flexible alternative. Color them in completely with black sharpie to give them that sleek, professional look. Remember to draw on pockets as well.
Item 5) Belt
Odds are you already own a belt, and odds are it is completely unacceptable to your potential employer (Fig. 5-1). Instead, use it to trace out a belt outline on the back of the cardboard box you buy your bulk ramen in. Cut it out with a pair of scissors. Wrap the cardboard belt around your middle, where you would normally wear your pants, and then raise it up to just beneath your ribs. Congratulations! This is how adults wear clothes.
Item 6) Jacket
The main element of your ensemble. If you're a comp lit, film or philosophy major, you're probably already wearing one of these, and have been since sophomore year. Then again, if you're a comp lit, film or philosophy major, odds are you haven't gotten a job interview yet anyway. For the rest of you reading, seek out these unemployables and raid their wardrobe. You might also find other expensive clothing items besides jackets in here, but leave them bemost employers can detect the scent of theory majors, and it repulses them.
Item 7) Socks
Black socks are a must. If you do not wear socks, simply bust out that sharpie again and color your flesh up to mid-ankle. If your potential employer ever demands to see your feet during your interview, then things have taken a weird turn, and you should flee as quickly as possible.
Item 8) Shoes
As a rule, how much you earn for your time is inversely proportional to how comfortable your shoes are (low earners- sneakers,sandals; high earners- penny loafers, stripper heels). While you might think this means you should go to your interview wearing grocery bags full of small rocks and ground glass, think again. You don't want to outclass your interviewer. Simply take your normal sneakers and give them a good sandpapering until all the support is gone and the outsides are thin and rubbery. Apply lots of electical tape, both to simulate a handsome finish and to hold the dangling shoe-flaps together on your feet.
Well done! You've completed your very first interview suit, without sacrificing other financial responsibilities, like pizza and novelty t-shirts! You've learned much, and I wish you the best. Have fun in your bright and shining future!
Go get 'em, slugger!