Me: Hey, sorry to bother you. I have no idea how I got here, but-

 

Tom: Why if isn't my crazy cousin Mike! Come in! (Studio audience cheers wildly)

 

Me: …I don't exactly get what's going on here.

 

Tom: Yeah Mike, after those drugs you did in the 90s, I'd be surprised if you ever know what's going on (Ha ha!)

 

Me: Seriously though, how do I know you?

 

Tom: See what I mean? (Ha ha ha) So lay it onme cuz.  How long do you need a room this time? A week? A month? Until the police dogs forget your scent? (Smells me.) That should be a while. (Haha ha clap clap ha ha)

 

Me: What the hell?

 

Sarah: Tom honey, who's at the door? If it's the Jehova's witness people tell them we already have a religion, and that you don't look good in a suit anyway.

 

Tom: No, Sarah, look! It's my wild cousin Mike looking to crash with us for a while.

 

Sarah: (surprised)Oh, so it is. Hello Mike, how was the commune.

 

Me: Um, good. I guess.

 

Sarah: Oh, interesting. Tom, go grab some pizza and a beer, I'll help Mike bring in his things.

 

Tom: Pizza and beer! Don't have to tell me twice!

 

Sarah: So Mike, you decided to come back, even despite what happened with us before Tom and me got married (Ooooooh…)

 

Me:  Holy cow, wait a minute, I get it! I can't swear, there's canned laughter every time someone references pop culture, my cousin is a fat slob with an inexplicablyhot wife… I'm guest starring in a sitcom!

 

Sarah: Are you on mushrooms Mike, because I'll have you know I don't approve of drugs in my household. Except of course my happy pills for when the kids get too rowdy.

 

Me: Right, right, depression, hilarious. So what's the deal, am I going to get to plow you or what?

 

Sarah: Mike, you're still a dog! (Slaps me) And I always liked that about you! (Kisses passionately without tongue) Meet me, broom closet, at midnight, tonight! (Storms off, audience collectively shits themselves)

 

Me: Wow, that was one crazy bitch. I can say bitch? Weird.

 

Jeff: Uncle Mike!

 

Me: Hey little buddy, you must be the disappointing son in the family. Are you a miscreant? Too fat? Gay?

 

Jeff: My dad says you're a dirty hippy. I like hippies though, they wear the coolest bell bottoms!

 

Me: Definitely gay.

 

Jeff: I'm gonna go play with Mommy's bad girl toys! (Jeff scampers out, Dianne walks in)

 

Me: You guys really have this entering and leaving timing down.

 

Dianne: So my mom told me about you. She says you're a bad man and I shouldn't talk to you. Oops.

 

Me: Are you the slutty 16 year old girl?

 

Dianne: I'll be whatever you want me to be. Sorry, I dropped something. Let me get it. (Bends over in a short enough skirt for a casual viewer to beat off)

 

Me: Thank you producers. Thank you.

 

Dianne: Meet me tonight, at midnight, in the broom closet. I'll be there. (She walks up the stairs, her skirt flying up masturbationally)

 

Me: So if that's theconflict, and I'm alone right now…please let me bone someone before the commercial break. (Jeff walks in)

 

Jeff:  By the way, you know that broom closet at the end of the hall?

 

Me: Oh you guys are assholes.