In the words of the great Katt Williams, "[N-word], I got shit to do today!" So this is going to be brief, which should really please all you "tl;dnr" people. Also Streeter, please don't bleep out shit.

(P.S. "pret-a-porter" means "ready-to-wear" in French, which I did not realize. My "non-gay" best friend told me that when we were talking about this show on the phone for several hours last night. He was all, "Wow that title was kind of really stretching for a pun tonight," and I was like, "What are you talking about, homofag?" and he was like, "Blah blah blah I'm really into fashion but I swear to God I'm not grossed out by vaginas." Damn, I said this was going to be brief. Okay for serious now.)

Scene 1
INT: Blair's bedroom

Blair: I just had a really hot sex dream about Chuck, Dorota! Get out of here so I can masturbate!
Dorota: We're all still pretending that your mom wants you to eat.
Gossip Girl: …if that prince refuses to COME…
Me: Groan, Gossip Girl.

Scene 2
INT: Cardboard box in Brooklyn

Jenny: OMG my new haircut is sooo cuuuute!!!
Rufus: There's an art show at my gallery soon, Dan. Vanessa and I could really use your help with it. She is your new stepmother.
Nate: Hey guys, I still live here! And I never wear a shirt!
Jenny: Get out of here so I can masturbate!

Scene 3
EXT: UES

Chuck: Hey Blair, want a ride to school?
Blair: Yes please.
Chuck: PSYCHE!

Scene 4
INT: Waldoft Dress Designing Factory

Kaitlyn Cooper(!!!!):
I <3 your dress, Jenny.
Jenny: I <3 being in the meeting with the buyer from Bloomingdale's, Kaitlyn Cooper.
Eleanor: Hey Jenny, want to go to the meeting with the buyer from Bloomingdale's?
Jenny: Yes please.
Eleanor: PSYCHE!

Scene 5
EXT: School

Dan: We should get back together as friends, Serena.
Me: Serena, if you agree to this I will strangle myself with barbed wire.
Serena: Okay! The best way to get back together as friends is for you to help Blair with her problem, which is that she wants to bone Chuck.
Dan: Don't worry, girls. This will be easy for me to solve. I'm always right about everything and I'm not an asshole at all.

Scene 6
INT: Waldorf Dress Designing Factory

Eleanor: Jenny, do work for me without compensation. Make a new dress just like the one you're wearing now.
Jenny: But that's impossible!
Eleanor: "I can't" means "I don't want to."
Kaitlyn Cooper: What if instead of doing work we went out to bars?
Jenny: I can't!
Kaitlyn Cooper: "I can't" means "I don't want to." Come, let me ruin your life.

Scene 7
INT: Dimly-lit bar

Chuck: Tell me you love me.
Blair: Instead let me spill my drink on your crotch in an effort to arouse you, per Dan fucking Humphrey's advice.
Chuck: Desperate much? PS Thanks for ruining my pants, whore.

Scene 8
INT: Art gallery made of cardboard box

Aaron (an "artist"): Serena, I'd like to bang you.
Serena: I'd probably be okay with that.
Blair: Dan your advice didn't work. Give me more.
Dan: I'm really good at giving advice.
Blair: …
Dan: PSYCHE!

Scene 9
INT: Dimly-lit bar full of gross hipsters

Kaitlyn Cooper: Jenny, I'm stealing your dress!

Scene 10


Kaitlyn Cooper: PS I stole your dress.
Jenny: Blast!

Scene 11
INT: Waldorf Dress Designing Factory

Kaitlyn Cooper: Jenny, I think you should start your own line.
Me: Don't do it, Jenny! She just wants your money to buy wigs for her bald pony!
Jenny: Okay, that seems like a wise decision.
Eleanor: Jenny, do work for me!
Jenny: Eleanor, SUCK MY DICK!

Scene 12
INT: Art gallery made of cardboard box

Serena: My boobs look great, as usual.
Aaron: I am going to come on those tonight.
Vanessa: Hey Dan, did you know that Chuck and Blair Cruel Intentions-ed me?
Dan: Do not worry, Vanessa. I will avenge thee.

Scene 12.5
INT: Hallway of art gallery made of cardboard box

Dan: Blair, earlier I gave you good advice.
Blair: Orly?
Dan: I want you to ignore it. Do something stupid instead, because I hate you.
Blair: K

Scene 12.5.5

INT: Art gallery made of cardboard box

Kaitlyn Cooper: Let's go to a party so people can photograph us.
Jenny: Okay.
Nate: Jenny, think about this for two seconds.
Jenny: I have, Nate. GOD!

Scene 13
EXT: Roof of art gallery made of cardboard box

Chuck: Sooo, do you love me?
Blair: Do I WHAT?
Chuck: Do you love me?
Blair: Do I love you? With our daughters getting married and this trouble in the town, you're upset. You need rest. Go inside. Go lie down. Maybe it's indigestion.
Chuck: Blair, I'm asking you a question.
Blair: The answer is no. Unless you say it first.
Chuck: Then we're broken up forever.

Scene 14

EXT: Street

Dan: I ruined Blair's night with Chuck.
Serena: Gah, I hate you so much.
Dan: Chuck, I ruined Blair's night with you.
Chuck: Goddamnit, Humphrey!
Serena: Hey Aaron I want to date you now.
Aaron: JK I'm riding away on my motorcycle with someone else.
Serena: Wah waahhh.

Scene 15
INT: Dov Charney's apartment

Kaitlyn Cooper: What if we take our shirts off while we dance around to 80s music?
Jenny: Why?
Kaitlyn Cooper: Because my boyfriend is a skeeze, duh.
Jenny: Oh, I get it, you're a total slutbag who's never going to introduce me to anyone.
Kaitlyn Cooper: PSYCHE!
Nate: Jenny, the last time Serena did this, she killed a dude. Let's bounce.
Jenny: Okay but you have to make out with me real hard.
Nate: (makes out with Jenny read hard)

Scene 16
INT: Blair's bedroom

Chuck: We can never be together.
Blair: Why not?
Chuck: I hate going to the movies.
Blair: So? We could just fuck?
Chuck: No. That wouldn't be emo enough.
Blair: Oh, I see. I have such longing for you.
Chuck: I can tell by the way you're staring at me.
Blair: I love your bowtie.
Chuck: Please, stop.
Blair: PSYCHE! Bowties are gay.

I hope you all have very happy Halloweekends! Put your pictures on the internet so we can all see how awesome your costumes are!