A recent survey showed that over 90% of the CollegeHumor audience is male. In that survey, over 95% of males said they were too busy filling out surveys to go on any dates. To help remedy this problem, I've compiled a list of 5 surefire and non-legally binding ways to ask out a member of the opposite sex.
The "Blunt" Approach
I know what you're thinking, but this doesn't involve rolling a blunt, getting ripped out of your skull, and asking a girl to go out with you. The blunt approach simply means engaging in polite conversation with a female with whom you have a cordial relationship, then asking if she would like to join you for a night out. I have found that this is the safest and most effective approach. It is also extremely unfunny, and to be completely honest, I'm not really sure why it's on the list.
The "Blunt" Approach
This involves rolling a blunt, getting ripped out of your skull, and asking a girl to go out with you. A few things to consider before using this approach:
A. Make sure you've secured all of your belongings.
B. Make sure the person you're asking out is the female with whom you want to go on a date.
C. Make sure the person you're asking out is a person, and not a coat rack.
I simply cannot stress part C enough.
The "Vonnegut" Approach
"Kurt Vonnegut is one of, if not the greatest author in the history of American literature." Repeat this line to a random woman on the street. If she agrees with you, engage in a spirited conversation about his works. Soon, you'll both feel that a friendly request of her presence at your place of choosing is in order. If she remarks that although she enjoys his books, she doesn't agree with your assessment of his place in history, wonder aloud why woman are allowed to read in the first place.
The "Friend's Band" Approach
This a smart maneuver, because it doesn't necessitate that you ask a girl out on a "date". Simply explain to a co-worker or classmate that your friend's band has a gig that Friday, and you would like to know if she could join you at the venue for what is sure to be an entertaining time. If she says yes, instead give her the address of a local Chili's or Applebee's and meet her there for a lovely dinner date. If she says no, or says yes and later inquires as to why you lied to her about your friend's band, wonder aloud why women are allowed to read in the first place.
The "Conor McKeon" Approach
Write an article about 5 great ways to ask a woman out on a date, get it published and featured on a humor website, then IM or e-mail a woman of your choosing with the link to the article. Underneath the link, type "please choose one." Then, when she rejects your proposal, and she will, explain that it was a joke, laugh it off, and move on with your sad and ultimately meaningless existence on this planet. This would be a good time to get ripped out of your skull.