Current Mood: All Powerful
Listening To: Your Prayers

Do you guys ever wake up and you're just like, "Ugh, this sh*t again…" That's how I felt today. For starters, my Tivo didn't record the Golden Globes the other night even though I totally told it to. I had to watch the best parts on YouTube which was OK except that my Internet was going super slow. It's like, WTF Time Warner? I created you, how about a little respect?

Now normally I take a huge dump in the morning. I like to sort of save it up all day and night and then let it all go right when I wake up. Gross, I know, but if you can't handle hearing shit like that then stop reading my blog. Not to brag, but I think shitting is one of the greatest things I've ever willed into being, and I also created everything else. Ramiel will tell you it was his idea, but that's TOTAL BULLSHIT. LOLviticus!

Anyway, this morning I'm sitting on my toilet made of clouds and reading this awesome book I got for my kid's birthday (it was my birthday too, kinda) called Uncle John's Big Bathroom Reader Plunges Into History volume 2. BTW, did you know that sideburns were named after a general in the Union Army during the Civil War named General Burnsides? Crazy, right? Anyway, I'm squeezing out another Indonesian mudslide when I notice I'm out of TP. I just commanded my ass to be clean, but that's not the point. The point is that if you use the last roll you gotta replace that shit!

So I'm already in a bad mood when I look down at Earth and see this shit going on in Darfur. I'm like, "didn't I tell Gabriel to stop that a month ago?" I look all over the place for Gabe and I finally find him playing XBox live. He's all, "Oh shit, so sorry God. It totally slipped my mind, and I'm kinda pwning right now, I'll get it tommorow" which is bullshit because 1) he doesn't have a mind and 2) he sux0rz at Gears of War and 3) I know everything. Fucking angels. Soooooo unreliable. I was so pissed, I gave four thousand American children lupus. So all you haterz are like "Why does god allow bad things to happen?" there's your answer. It's Gabriel.

Now some random thoughts…

How funny is Uncle Buck? No lie, I could watch that 1,000 times and I'd still laugh my ass off, and I'm not just saying that because John and I are playing pool next week. "Why don't you go downtown and pay a rat to gnaw that thing off your face!" LOL! Best part, hands down.

I think SNL isn't that good anymore. Like, besides Dick in a Box there hasn't been anything particularly funny on there in a while. I wish Farley were still on it. That dude was fucking hysterical. I'm considering smiting Seth Meyers. I don't know why, I just can't stand that dude. He seems smug.

Do you guys think it would be cool if I raised the temperature in London to 50 today, then brought it down to -10 tomorrow just to fuck with these weather scientists? Let me know in the comments…

I like to pretend I'm "over" American Idol but I still watch that shit every week like a crackhead hitting the pipe. Once I entered the body of someone who was trying out in the first round just to see what it would feel like. Simon told me I was bad, but Randy said that with practice I may get to Hollywood next year. It didn't make it to air.

Anyway, sorry to bitch so much. I know I probably sound like an emo fag or whatever. Seriously, I'm not always like this, I just had a shitty morning. I gotta run though, got tons to do today. Peace in the middle east.

J/K if I wanted peace there I would command it to be so. Deal with it, I'm God.